I did something sort of ED related last night, feeling disgusted with my body and frustrated by my lack of progress in physical strength, stamina, etc. I stood naked and measured various parts of my body. I wrote down my measurements and the date. Then dug out an old notebook I kept years ago with body measurements. I have measurements starting from 2008 when I lost a crap load of weight to 2010 all at various weights on the way down, up, and in between. I had stopped doing this in 2010, but did it once or twice in 2013 but I can't find those measurements. At any rate, I compared my current measurements to those from when I was the exact same weight in 2008 and back then age 36 (now 44). I am much more active now, in better shape, more muscle, and vegan now six years eating healthier (was omni then and just starting to eat healthier) so I would have thought my measurements would be different. In the hips and midpoint from hip to waist they are smaller now. In the waist they are bigger (however I was bloated last night so that could have made a difference). Everywhere else...thigh, arms, neck, chest, calf...they are exactly the same. I'm kind of disappointed. I don't know why. I remember way back then thinking it would have been smart to stop losing weight when I got to this point and just maintain, but back then I had a self loathing and absolute desire to lose weight that could not be stopped, and I would get 22 lbs lighter before it was over. I still battle these feelings but to a much lesser extent. It's more about health now, but that desire is still there, "eating away" at me daily. I can not restrict the way I used to, not by a long shot, and that frustrates me too. I love dancing and cycling and I believe those two activities keep me trying to be healthy so I can keep doing them. I also work full time at a challenging job now and need more brain power than I did in 2008 when I was working part time at a far less demanding job. But at the same time, I am horrified by my measurements. All the old feelings of inferiority and laziness and not being good enough just start to work their way into my conscience. No matter how hard I work, it's never enough and I am still stuck with the same old body, mind, and spirit.
Depression is getting the best of me these days. :/
I found this 'onlineliquidationauction' site and started browsing. They put all kinds of stuff that gets returned, damaged through shipping or stuff like that. I saw this and bid $50.00 and I won! It was a 30 minute drive to the warehouse to pick it up and the box was pretty damaged, but it was in fine shape! I had the cheap total gym and like this better. It goes for $135 at amazon and walmart
