When children are emotionally abused in public

[Mischief]

Today I was at Aldi, and the person two in front of me in the checkout lane was a woman, white, very obese and using one of the store's electric scooters. She had two boys with her. I'm not good at guessing ages, but somewhere between 8 and 12. They looked Hispanic. I don't have any idea whether they were her kids, other members of her family, or even foster children.

What I do know is that she was haranguing them meanly and loudly the entire time. They had two carts of groceries, and she had them loading the groceries on the conveyor, and then later, bagging them at the counter at the front of the store, all the while saying, "Can't you do anything right?!" "I'm sick and tired of having to feed everyone!" " how stupid are you?! " and on and on.

She was still at it by the time I was checked out and left the store. Neither of the boys said anything the whole time. They just looked completely beaten down. I wanted to go over and tell her that what she was doing was causing permanent damage to these children, but I was afraid of making things even worse for them.

I'm still sick about it, and still second guessing what I should have done. This was by far the worst treatment of children I have ever seen in public.

Thoughts? Ideas?

 

[Second Summer]

Ah, the many ways that humans are cruel to each other. I wonder though, if cruelty to children in general is becoming less prevalent, at least in western society? It seems like it's more frowned upon, that there is a bit more awareness.

Anyway, sounds like a very difficult situation to deal with for a bystander. I'm not very quick on my feet and not the kind of person who will talk to strangers in the first place, much less telling them off for abusive speech towards their children. So I would have been in the same boat as yourself. But no one should have to listen to that, neither the children nor the bystanders. It's just not right. If someone had intervened, I would have supported them. I think.

 

[Jamie in Chile]

It's one of those impossible situations. In England, the culture is sometimes that you give a very very very slight dirty look or tut (slight enough to retain plausible deniability if they get mean but so slight it may not even get noticed) or possibly ask "can I help at all?" which may even be just a patronizing way of commenting indirectly that you noticed their **** parenting skills but at least it's less confrontational. It can work simply by breaking things up and giving them a moment to reflect, but by being very low risk and safe, it can also be less effective.

You have got to bear in mind that you don't know if the person is just having a bad day, under stress, you don't know the whole story. I have had serious issues in public with my kids on very very rare occassions and I thought that any onlooker would have just assumed I was a terrible parent if that was the only time they saw me.

If you do try to intervene, the key would be a 3-step process. The first step is engage in conversation somehow about something else - for example offering to help with the packing/unloading the trolley. Alternatively you could offer to carry the trolley to the car and help them unpack. The second step is to symapthise. For example you say that you also have children and have similar experiences and you know how difficult it can be. And then the final step is to come up with some gently put criticism: "I used to shout at my children as well until I read about how most experts consider that it is damaging to children's sense of self-esteem, and then I tried to avoid it."

Build a rapport. Instead of criticising directly frame it in the context of the difficulty of parenting, that you are just like them (not superior moral high grounding).

Of course, the trouble with a 3-step process is that they may ignore you or be rude to you at step 1 or 2, and then you've lost your chance. But directly criticising is problematic because it just creates emotional reactions and arguments, which goes nowhere good.

I think if society keeps advancing then we will see a shift in the next generation or so where verbally criticising those shouting at their own kids or being nasty to them becomes more socially acceptable. Once that happens, it will become more acceptable to criticise more immediately and directly.

Until that happens, it is like advocating for veganism. It may be morally justified to rush into Mcdonalds and throw people's Big Mac to the floor, but doing so is not going to help. So you have to take a soft approach until you have the majority of society clearly on your side, which is not yet the case in this situation.

In the mean time, we need, by discussing these cases, to try and establish a majority opinion in favour of polite interventions and criticisms on the basis that the welfare of the child is more important than the feelings of the parent.

To be honest though, I can easily bash out a few words on here but if I see a situation like this actually happen tomorrow I might walk on by. It is very difficult.