Jokes (funny or otherwise)

[Second Summer]

My uncle worked in a circus. On a tour to Papua New Guinea his circus was taken hostage by a group of cannibals. As they were starting to eat the clowns, one of the cannibals said to the others: Does this taste funny to you?





Okay. Your turn.

 

[Blobbenstein]

An old couple went to a church service and during the sermon the wife leaned over, to her husband, and whispers 'I have done a really long silent fart...do you think anyone will notice; what shall I do?' and the husband said 'I think you should put the batteries in your hearing aid, dear'

 

[Spang]

This is a joke I came up with a few days ago. I'm still working on it. Not sure if funny.

Computer mice seemingly never experience menopause - they're always on the pad.

 

[Amy SF]

This is a joke I came up with a few days ago. I'm still working on it. Not sure if funny.

Computer mice seemingly never experience menopause - they're always on the pad.

Meh.

 

[Clueless Git]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "is this some kind of joke?"

 

[Second Summer]

This is an old classic from Norway:

The Swede, the Dane and the Norwegian made a bet about who could stay the longest in the smelly pig house. So first in goes the Swede. After only a minute he comes running back out, completely disgusted with the smell. So next goes the Dane. He makes it just a little bit longer, but is content to have beaten the Swede. Finally the Norwegian goes in. Time passes, nothing happens. Finally after several minutes, the pig comes running out, complaining loudly about the smelly newcomer!

*fake laughter*

 

[Blobbenstein]

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."
—Bill Bailey[1]

 

[Blobbenstein]

There was a CCTV in out town, and one day someone put in an old tape with Disney cartoons in it, and accidentally pressed play, instead of record. I have never run so fast from a giant steamroller, driven by Popeye, in my life..

 

[ledboots]

Popeye is one scary dude after the canned spinach ingestion.

 

[Second Summer]

The elephant and the two-humped camel were arguing about who had the worst appearance.

Elephant: OMG, you're such a monstrosity! You look like one of those lab-rats with transplanted parts on their back - in your case it's a pair of tits!
Camel: .....

Well, the camel's come-back is kinda obvious here, I'm sure you can imagine what it said.

 

[Amy SF]

As the sun shone over the mountains, a long line of people stretched far down the mountainside. At the top of the mountain, a small brown man with a long full beard sat on a simple cushion. One by one, each person haltingly came forward to ask this man a single question: What is the meaning of life? What is out there in the universe? How long can one stare into the center of a flower until one sees paradise? And so on. By his side sat his disciples, eagerly taking in every word the master said in response.

Finally, with no small amount of impatience, a older Jewish woman pushed forward and stood there, hands on her hips. "Sidney! Everyone is worried about you! Oy vey, you look terrible! So skinny! When was the last time you ate anything? Come home and I'll make you some blintzes!"

 

[Clueless Git]

Guy visits a farm and notices there is a three legged pig there that seems to get treated extra specialy.

Curious, he asks the farmer why this pig is treated so well and how it lost it's leg.

Farmer tells the guy this pig is a bit of a local celebrity as it has performed many heroic acts.

Tells tales of how one night the local orphanage had caught fire while all the orphans were asleep. This pig had smelled the smoke from afar. Raised the alarm and led people to the fire and helped saved the orphans inside.

Many other tales of the pigs heroic acts follow untill the guy interrupts: "But how did the pig lose it's leg???"

"Well ..." says the farmer "when you have an animal that special you don't want to eat it all at once."

 

[Ann Chovie]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "is this some kind of joke?"

Great...sooo I get here to tell the only joke I can remember without fluffing it up and you have already told it!

 

[Clueless Git]

Great...sooo I get here to tell the only joke I can remember without fluffing it up and you have already told it!

I'll PM you the joke about the penalty for stepping on ducks in heaven and you can copy and paste that one here instead?

 

[Ann Chovie]

 

[Spang]

Which bees make milk?

Spoiler

boobies

 

[Blues]

 

[Tom L.]

Q: how many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:

Spoiler

None. It's A hardware problem.

Q: why did someone throw an onion into the river?
A:

Spoiler

They wanted to see the bridge over the river Kwai.

 

[MadamSarcastra]

Q: why did someone throw an onion into the river?

**groan & LOL**

 

[MadamSarcastra]

One of my favorite groaners:

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.