To offer, or not to offer

[CrazyCatLady]

Hi all,
Many if my friends are struggling on whether to offer me food items or not.
When they have something they know I won't eat they're unsure as to whether to offer it to me so as not to exclude me from the group, or whether to not offer it and show their understanding. But if they choose not to offer it, they're not sure what to say, if anything.
I've told them I'm not fussed either way. I don't take offence if they offer me something I don't eat, and I don't take offence if they don't offer me anything. And that they shouldn't feel they have to explain why they're not offering it etc.
What about you guys? What do your friends/family do? Xxx

 

[beancounter]

I think you have the right approach/attitude.

As for me, I've been veggie for so long, everyone I know, already knows what they can offer me to eat.

 

[Muggle]

All I do is say no thanks if people offer me something that isn't veggie. If they ask why I'll say I'm veggie or I'll just say that I don't like it (it depends on the situation and the people) I did know another veggie girl who, when offered meat etc, would squeal "oh no! That's a murder animal!" (I'm not kidding). Completely pathetic.

My friends and family know that if I say no thanks to something it's probably because it's not veggie (although sometimes it's just because I don't like it). Some of my friends will ask why I don't want it but it's usually for future reference so they don't offer me it again.

If they don't offer me something in the first place, I don't get offended, I actually think it's nice that they've remembered that I'm veggie. But if they hadn't remembered or didn't know, I don't care. It doesn't bother me either way.

 

[Freesia]

I was at the food store a week ago and there were tasting stands. One of them had 2 french chefs and they had types of bread. I thought "cool, could dip it in some olive oil" so I went over. I reached out my hand to grab the first one, and then saw it had meat and cheese baked into it. I snatched my hand away. Then I thought I would have the other one. I reached out my hand again and realised that one had meat in it too. I pulled my hand away again. These two french chef men were looking surprised and kind of offended as if they were thinking "Dont you like my cooking?" so I told they I was a vegetarian, and they said "Oh.." and smiled. It was very awkward but at least I didnt offend them.

 

[CrazyCatLady]

I find that my friends are using strange vocabulary when it comes to food. They will ask 'am I allowed' something, or say 'oh, you can't have this can u?'
I want to explain it's not some sort of cult iv joined where anyone is stopping me eating certain things. It's that I'm choosing not to eat it. Seems a bit pathetic to correct them and say 'I don't want it' and it doesn't sound right in some situations.
Not sure if it's best to just leave it for now as at least they are accepting my decision, maybe even understanding it, and just using the wrong words for convenience xxx

 

[Lord Snot]

I would probably say "no, I'm not eating things with eggs/milk/honey/whey/gelatine in" (delete as appropriate) so that way they get that it's your choice, and they also know what about the food isn't vegan.

 

[shyvas]

I find that my friends are using strange vocabulary when it comes to food. They will ask 'am I allowed' something, or say 'oh, you can't have this can u?'
I want to explain it's not some sort of cult iv joined where anyone is stopping me eating certain things. It's that I'm choosing not to eat it. Seems a bit pathetic to correct them and say 'I don't want it' and it doesn't sound right in some situations.
Not sure if it's best to just leave it for now as at least they are accepting my decision, maybe even understanding it, and just using the wrong words for convenience xxx

At times, I personally do think it is.

 

[shyvas]

I would probably say "no, I'm not eating things with eggs/milk/honey/whey/gelatine in" (delete as appropriate) so that way they get that it's your choice, and they also know what about the food isn't vegan.

Yeah, we should speak out.

 

[Freesia]

I always get that too. I think the omni rationale is that we are mentally restricting ourselves from eating what they eat, so we are not "allowing" ourselves to eat certain things. Little do they know the truth, that our diets are varied and interesting.

 

[shyvas]

I always get that too. I think the omni rationale is that we are mentally restricting ourselves from eating what they eat, so we are not "allowing" ourselves to eat certain things. Little do they know the truth, that our diets are varied and interesting.

That is exactely what someone asked me yesterday.' If you don't eat protein, what do you eat. All that
starch must make you fat .........' ?

 

[KLS52]

My friends and family know what I do/do not eat so it's not usually an issue. If someone outside that circle offers something I simply say, no thank you. If pressed as to why (which I never understood anyway...I said no, why do I have to give a dissertation as to why I don't want something?), then I say I don't eat meat/dairy/eggs/gelatin, etc.

Some of my friends feel the need to always say "I know you can't have this" when offering something to a group, which is fine. Sometimes I correct them and say "Well, I CAN have it, I just choose not to". It depends on the situation and if I feel like giving them a hard time (in a friendly, bantering way). But I don't expect them to have to think through every little thing when it comes to the daily stuff and how they word what they say. I find most people are very considerate of my food choices and if they misspeak it's not with any malintent.

 

[SummerRain]

I find that my friends are using strange vocabulary when it comes to food. They will ask 'am I allowed' something, or say 'oh, you can't have this can u?'
I want to explain it's not some sort of cult iv joined where anyone is stopping me eating certain things. It's that I'm choosing not to eat it. Seems a bit pathetic to correct them and say 'I don't want it' and it doesn't sound right in some situations.
Not sure if it's best to just leave it for now as at least they are accepting my decision, maybe even understanding it, and just using the wrong words for convenience xxx

I'd probably just leave it. Sometimes I point out "I CAN eat it, but I don't want to!" if it feels appropriate, but generally people know you can eat it, it's just they don't really see the difference between "can" and "will". Like when you are a child and ask "can I go to the toilet please?". I had a teacher who used to always go "I don't know, can you?" and wait until you said "may I go to the toilet please" instead!

It depends on the situation. Usually people sort of go "you don't want one of these do you?" or "you can't eat these can you?" and I smile and say "no thanks". My family just don't offer me food that isn't vegan, usually they'll ask if I want something else instead.

 

[mary1]

What a timely thread! There is a very nice older lady at work who likes to bring food to share. She is quite uncomfortable looking when asking whether or not I "can have" a bit of this or that. She's even said "I don't know how to feed you!" She is really a kind person and the way she tries to take care of others is to offer food! I will try some of the suggestions from this thread. I hate making her uncomfortable. lol

 

[RabbitLuvr]

I usually say I "don't" eat something because of meat/gelatin/eggs/dairy, but sometimes I do say I *can't* eat something.

I'm more concerned with letting someone offering food know that the reason I'm not eating the food isn't specifically about them, but about me and/or the food. Personally I'm less worried about giving them the wrong impression of my food preferences (the can't vs won't issue) than in quickly letting them know exactly why I'm refusing something.

I know there are veg*ns that are really particular about telling people "I could eat that if I wanted to but I don't want to..." but that's really more discussion than I want to have with most people. . Plus, when I've gone that route in the past, people tend to needle me about it later, and persist in trying to convince me to just eat something. Whereas if I say I can't eat something, they just leave me alone. Of course, I'm also the "bad" veg*n that will pull the allergy card at restaurants if I think that will more easily get me veg*n food.

*I am legitimately allergic to dairy proteins, so it's not a complete lie, though the reactions are usually minor.

 

[MrsSchu2u]

I totally agree, RabbitLuvr. "I don't eat..." is my standard response. People who like to feed others need to know that you appreciate that they are taking the time to even ask you. It is their way of nurturing. "Even though I don't eat this, I really appreciate that you thought of me. I know that my diet is a little outside what people are used to," goes a long way.

 

[SummerRain]

I'm more concerned with letting someone offering food know that the reason I'm not eating the food isn't specifically about them, but about me and/or the food. Personally I'm less worried about giving them the wrong impression of my food preferences (the can't vs won't issue) than in quickly letting them know exactly why I'm refusing something.

This is a really good point. Sometimes in new situations I'm shy about saying I'm a vegan, not really for any real reason, but because I'm shy anyway and saying "no thank you" is easier than explaining about being vegan! I just get embarrassed and flustered and babble, so I want to avoid that.

But I've found this actually leaves people more confused or thinking I'm strange than explaining I'm a vegan - they just think you don't eat anything, maybe you're on a crazy diet, or you are really fussy, or you don't want to share food. Usually when eventually I explain, they say "Ohhhhhh that's why" which sort of shows they've been confused about why I keep rejecting their food, but too polite to ask.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

That's why I'll say something like, "I can't eat eggs, but thank you anyway!"
No one around here knows what a vegan is, and I don't want to explain it dozens of times. That's why I find using "can't" works better for me. If I say that I "can eat dairy if I wanted to, but I don't want to," then they will ask why I don't want to. I mostly get offered food at work, and I'm not going to discuss ethics/morality with coworkers.)
And then next time they're going to offer again, and say, "well, I know you don't want to eat dairy, but there's only a little bit!"

Whereas if I just tell them the first time that I can't eat their cake because it's got eggs in it, they'll leave me alone next time.

 

[KLS52]

I tend to hate being fussed over...really, really hate it. If anything, everyone goes out of their way to try and accommodate me when I'd rather they just take the cue after I've said at least three times, "please don't worry about what I'm going to eat". I always thank them, profusely, for being so considerate, but the 20-questions makes me uncomfortable. I wish I wasn't like that, but alas, I am.

 

[RabbitLuvr]

After two years of me complaining, my work has only just got used to having a vegetarian option for me at catered events. Work events are pretty much the only place I still eat foods with egg or dairy.

They're probably going to be ****** off when no one eats the cheese smothered crap they order for me next year. (I have no input on what is ordered. When they have a buffet-style thing they don't even bother making sure there's a vegetarian option, because they assume there will be one, but since they don't request it there never is.)

 

[CrazyCatLady]

I'm you going to a 2 day course with work that has been organised at a hotel. Breakfast, lunch and dinner will all be buffet style. I won't know anyone there so can easily excuse myself early or not go to dinner. I'm taking a pot noodle with me on the premise that il have a kettle in my room!
Iv got a carton of soy milk for breakfast tuesday morning and lots of snacks for during the days.
Hopefully il be ok. It's easier to do this at the moment as my boss who booked me on doesn't know I'm vegan yet! Xxx