Spoof anti-vegan arguments

[MichaelHauer]

A short series of humorous (well, I think they are!) pieces that used on social media when I was on there to highlight the absurdity of anti-vegan arguments. They are all based on what people actually wrote:

Here’s one, I’ll post others after:

I can't go vegan because my doctor told me that if I gave up consuming animal products I WOULD BE DEAD IN TWO WEEKS.

 

[MichaelHauer]

Being vegan is dangerous. Soy beans give me man-boobs (and I'm a woman) and hummus is made with petrol. So it's best to avoid a vegan diet.

 

[MichaelHauer]

**** veganism! I'm too busy trying to save the planet!

 

[MichaelHauer]

If everyone went vegan we would face a global public order threat from all the cows released onto the streets.

As farmers will tell you, it is a myth that these creatures are gentle.

 

[MichaelHauer]

We haven't got time to go vegan when the planet is literally on fire!

 

[MichaelHauer]

I haven't got time to go vegan because the class struggle and world-wide liberation takes up all my time. And I need the energy that bacon gives me.

 

[MichaelHauer]

If God wanted us to go vegan He wouldn't have invented growth hormones, or slaughterhouses, or mega-farms. God shows us the way.

 

[MichaelHauer]

I would go vegan but every time I see or hear the word 'vegan' I feel judged, and it makes me crave bacon.

Why are vegans such tyrants?

 

[MichaelHauer]

Vegans have a really short life-expectancy. Most vegans die after five years, unless they see sense and start eating animals again. I value my own life too much to go vegan.

 

[MichaelHauer]

Vegans are hypocrites because they are responsible for the deaths of trillions of insects and bacteria, as well as the living plants they harvest which - AS THEY DON'T TELL YOU - are sentient and don't want to die!

For a cleaner conscience it is better to eat farm animals because they taste really good.

 

[MichaelHauer]

Vegans eat too many ultra-processed foods. It is more natural to eat a young and tender farm animal that has been fully protected from disease, debeaked or tooth-clipped, and given drugs to make it grow plump and heavy.

It's just nature, man.

 

[MichaelHauer]

 

[MichaelHauer]

 

[MichaelHauer]

There is some evidence that oat milk raises one's blood sugar level by 1 million per cent. So it is just better for my body - which is my temple - that cows suffer to provide me with their milk.

 

[MichaelHauer]

I stopped being vegan when I got pregnant 129 years ago after years of fertility struggles caused by beans. Never went back. No regrets. Now I'm a full carnivore & I feel great at 193 years old!

Vote for Trump!

 

[MichaelHauer]

I had a friend who was super vegan for more than 70 years and taught health and nutrition. It made her infertile and super sick. She went on the Live Animal Diet, eating mainly live eels, and is now super healthy with 18 babies. She now tells everyone she can about how super damaging veganism is.

 

[MichaelHauer]

Vegans are some of the most sociopathic and deranged people I've ever


encountered on social media (you have to search 'vegan' to find them).

They become APOPLEPTIC every time I tell them that when they walk on grass they can, with careful listening, hear the grass screaming.

#plantsaresentient

 

[MichaelHauer]

I'd go vegan in an instant if vegans didn't say anything, ate dairy cheese, and were invisible.


Basically, if vegans didn't exist we'd all be vegan by now.

I said the same kind of thing about feminism in 1972.

 

[spencer]

But what about the protein? You will be deficient in protein!

(If only I had a $1 for every time I have heard that; I'd be a billionaire now)

 

[spencer]

RFK Jr is the head of Health & Human Services and he's ripped on a carnivore diet.

(Many photos online of him have photoshopped additional muscles on him.)