Scared of going back to my old ways

Ashleylynn453

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I'm 17 yrs old and going to highschool ever since I was a kid I've struggled with depression and anxiety. I didn't know what it was and had to deal with it on my own. Up until early highschool I learned that I was suffering with mental illness, I didn't get much support from family just criticism such as I need to toughen up. They don't realize how painful it was. During my second year in highschool I noticed that it's started to affect me physically such as insomnia, acid reflux, rapid heartbeat, and bad digestion. It's hard to always feel sick when you see so many kids having fun and living their lives. There's so many things I want to do and I want to get better. Iconstantly cry out for help but no one will take me seriously, I've had suicidal thoughts for years but I don't want to die being forgotten. I come to terms that I only have myself. I've done so much research for the past years and watched so many films vegan has really stuck out to me since diet is a key component to health. In middle school I've struggled with binge eating disorder I've recovered but still have that thought in the back of my mind that I might return to old habits. I've been vegan for about five months now and noticed a major difference in my digestion, skin, and stomach acidity, although it's still not the best it's a lot better than before. In my house my parents don't buys a lot of vegetables or produce but I work with what I get. It's been going great for a while I felt good and finally felt there was some hope, but recently I don't know what it is but I've been experiencing major depression I lost that hope and sunk myself in another hole. It was recently my brothers birthday and he had a big cake I don't know why it's usually very easy to avoid food like that but I was so drawn to it. I thought maybe if I have just one piece I'll be satisfied but of course it wasn't. Having all that cake brought me back to my binge days as I remeber how addicted I was and disgusted I felt no matter how much I wanted to stop I couldn't. I really thought things were getting better but I find my past coming back to haunt me. This is my first forum, I'd appreciate your feedback and apologize for it being so long.
 

amberfunk

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Have you tried counseling at your school? It helped me when I was in highschool. I was diagnosed bipolar my second year of highschool. Progress to bipolar type one with rapid cycling and psychosis. I attempted suicide quite a few times between middle school and the end of highschool. They tried me on all kinds of medication which I regret now since my brain has been so messed up from it and the last anti psychotic nearly killed me by almost giving me a heart attack. Now medication does work for some but not for me. So I'm not saying don't try it that's up to you.

What really did help me was the diet change to vegan. I feel better mentally and physically. Since May of this year I've lost 35lbs and still losing. I don't have heart problems anymore, my psychosis is almost gone, and I am not as depressed as I used to be. I still get manic and such but no where near as bad as before. I think it has a lot to do with what's in dairy and meat. Now I still do take omega 3's from fish because it helps me. Others frown on it but it's what is best for me. When I get the extra money though I'm going to try omega 3's from algae. I take b 12 daily in a liquid form called sublingual. It works the best since it gets in my system faster. I try to do as much whole foods as possible.

Sometimes unfortunately parents are blind to their children's suffering. I don't know why. You can talk with a counselor at school and have them talk to your parents if you think that will help. I would also try to make your own money to which you can buy your own food with. Try a part time job or babysitting if you like kids. Even things like shoveling snow, raking leaves, etc. I wish you the best of luck. Try to do things you enjoy to help with your depression. It comes in cycles just know that it's not forever.
 

alleycat

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The school counselor is a good place to start. Maybe joining a social group with the same interests as you. In Australia a lot of schools have their own vegetable gardens that pupils are encouraged to help with. I find when I'm at the depression part of my cycle that physical activity is helpful. Long walks, more time in the garden, spring cleaning.
 

Jamie in Chile

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If you have not told your family about your depression I reccomend you do so also, or at least one close family member for support and love.

You shouldn't feel guilty eating the occassional cake but if it does lead you into binge eating perhaps you should try and avoid it, but that's up to you and in fact it might be better to do some research on eating disorders online if you can't afford or don't want to see a professional. I wonder if there is a forum for that?

Well done for going vegan and I am glad it has helped you.

Your life is a long journey ahead and you are only at the beginning. A lot of people experience more up and down emotions in the adolescent years but often a path towards greater stability and happiness lies ahead, not overnight, but in the years ahead if you take the right decisions.

Best of luck!
 
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Forest Nymph

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I grew up with my mother and my mother's parents because my father was an abusive person who my mother divorced when I was a baby. My mother is fairly relaxed but my grandparents were extremely authoritarian, even to the point of pushing my mother out at times like they knew best for me.

I was deeply fond of my grandfather as a little girl and appreciate the material and educational security I enjoyed because of having middle-aged rather than young adult primary care givers. That being said, I was forced to eat meat as a child. I have vivid bad memories of being "punished" to sit at the table until I took two more bites of a cow's *** and feeding it sneakily to the family dog. I believe this later manifested into a form of bulimia in my early teens where I would cycle from binges to not eating to make up for it, to making my self throw up a few times then to taking laxatives because I didn't like throwing up. I never received any kind of professional help for this, though it somewhat "righted" itself, I struggled with binge eating episodes or taking laxatives into my 20s though not consistently.

Being vegetarian didn't fix it. However, becoming vegan did. I'm not saying it's perfect but the level of meal planning and learning new recipes changed my entire relationship with food. I neither starve myself nor binge. I feel no need to take laxatives usually anymore. For the first time in my life I am ok with being mildly hungry for a few hours because I don't have the same blood-sugar crash symptoms I used to have. Being vegan has truly changed my life, though I did it for the animals and the environment.

I feel that it helped because I had always meant to be a vegetarian as a child and started trying to become vegetarian in middle school. As a small child I preferred the company of animals and had more stuffed animal toys than baby dolls.

I'm saying this to tell you that what you're experiencing doesn't make you strange or alone. Your parents may even be emotional abusers, which may be what is contributing to your depression. After my grandmother died, my grandfather married a woman who was very emotionally abusive - same as your situation, would tell me to toughen up or scream at me to get me out of bed in the morning. Nasty person. I haven't spoken to her in ten years.

You may be mentally ill, or you may have PTSD from being a highly empathetic person who was emotionally abused. It's really sad that people with high sensitivity or high empathy are automatically labelled "mentally ill" in our culture, when Western capitalist culture is so empty, brutal, competitive and ugly in many ways, of course it makes empathetic people depressed.

Try counseling and maybe joining a club or religious group. Spend more time just walking or biking in nature, and try to spend time with animals, even if it's your neighbor's dog or your best friend's cat. It does get better. You will be an adult soon.