Girlfriend wants to wear leather shoes

[MaxVegan88]

Hi all. I posted some time ago regarding my relationship with my newly turned vegan gf (under maxvegan1988) and got some great advice so thought I'll post again. Things have been going well and we're learning to nicely complement each other, however I upset her quite a bit yesterday. She still has some leather shoes and for my cousin's wedding she wants to wear her favourite heels. Many would agree it's ethically OK to wear leather if not buying new but personally it does upset me quite a bit; the reminder of the cruelty. I expressed my feelings and found her a very similar, quite expensive pair online and bought them for her to wear instead but she says they're not the same and that I'm trying to control her. She definitely wouldn't buy or ask me to buy new leather, silk, wool for her, but has kept a few favourite things and resents me when I express that I feel upset with her wearing any items made with cruelty. She's not talking to me and I feel like I want to make it up to her but just can't bear to see her wear any of those items. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

 

[Enlightened1]

Hi all. I posted some time ago regarding my relationship with my newly turned vegan gf (under maxvegan1988 but forgot password) and got some great advice so thought I'll post again. Things have been going well and we're learning to nicely complement each other, however I upset her quite a bit yesterday. She still has her leather shoes and for my cousin's wedding she wants to wear some heels which she says are one of her favourites. Ethically many would agree OK to wear leather if not buying new but personally it does upset me quite a bit, the reminder of the cruelty. I expressed my thoughts and found her a very similar quite expensive pair online and bought them for her to wear. She says not the same and that I'm trying to control her. She would definitely not buy new leather, silk, wool but has a few favourite things she has kept and resents me when I express that I feel upset with her wearing any items made with cruelty. She's not talking to me and I feel like I want to make it up to her but just can't see her wear any of those items. Any advice appreciated. Thanks

You can’t change people. Let her wear what she likes. Your choice is to be in a relationship with her and accept her choices or not to be in a relationship with her

 

[VeganRachel]

There are many non-leather shoes as options. I bought some flats on Amazon for instance. However, sometimes its'
hard to find replacements for what you already have. I bought a nice pair of vegan hiking boots at REI and wore them\
for almost a year, then discovered one shoe was not waterproof. I had to return them for a refund...
I can think of wose things than wearing an old pair of shoes, so give her credit or what she does do. Cheers.

 

[Lou]

I'm on her side.

I think the ultimate test on vegan choices is "how does it hurt animals?
Her wearing her favorite shoes doesn't hurt animals.
Granted it bothers you.
but how are your feelings more important than hers?

 

[silva]

You need to really reflect on whether you want a relationship with who she is on her own, without you. She knows how you feel, but she has made her decision for herself.
The biggest killer of relationships is wanting the other to change. She's been dressing herself her whole life, it's on her..
Pushing this as an issue could really cause resentment. Let her be and she's more likely to care when the moment is on you, rather than an event.
Nagging her about this could easily cause the tables to be turned on you

 

[majorbloodnok]

You need to really reflect on whether you want a relationship with who she is on her own, without you. She knows how you feel, but she has made her decision for herself.
The biggest killer of relationships is wanting the other to change. She's been dressing herself her whole life, it's on her..
Pushing this as an issue could really cause resentment. Let her be and she's more likely to care when the moment is on you, rather than an event.
Nagging her about this could easily cause the tables to be turned on you

Huge plus 1 from me.

It's fine to acknowledge how those shoes make you feel, but life is full of times when you have to deal with being upset about something outside your control. She's right; trying to push her into doing something different for your sake IS a form of control. You said you expressed your feelings but what your original post didn't mention is any form of discussion (i.e. two-way) followed by reasoned compromise. Instead it came across as you taking a stance and telling her what were acceptable alternatives, but her free choice cannot be dependent on your agreement otherwise it's not a free choice at all.

The first impressions I have from what you've written are that you are a perfectly normal loving and compassionate person, and that you are just letting your eagerness to do the right thing run away a little into trying to dictate how others should make their choices. It's understandable but a dangerous stance if you let it continue too long. If your girlfriend recognises the compassion in you and respects your morals and ethics, you've got plenty of common ground on which to base a discussion, but if she's feeling as if her wishes are being ignored then you're going to have to simply apologise before that discussion can take place. And when I say apologise, I don't mean apologising for your ethics, I mean apologising for attempting to impose them on her, and you will have to also mean it.

 

[Brian W]

I'm with everybody else on this. Your girlfriend needs to make her own decisions. How do you go through life seeing people wearing leather if you are that sensitive anyway?

 

[Deleted member 3018]

It could be that those shoes might have sentimental value.

I have an leather belt, that my brother brought me from the army and a men's wool shirt that my father gave me and I could never give those away.

Others have made good points already.
I'm not good at understanding relationships, because I have never been interested in those.

 

[MaxVegan88]

I'm with everybody else on this. Your girlfriend needs to make her own decisions. How do you go through life seeing people wearing leather if you are that sensitive anyway?

I get it. Other vegans people may wear and use old leather. Just feel sad when it's my loved ones. Most important thing is she's 100 vegan now. I totally understand that from an ethical stance, old leather is fine but as I said just makes me feel sad that a living being had to be hurt for something as frivolous as fashion.

 

[Emma JC]

I agree with everyone else here and especially as she is 100% vegan in other aspects. I would suggest that you return the shoes that you bought for her and maybe donate the money, in her name, to an animal rescue charity.

It is your choice to be sad so change your choice. Apologize to her and get back to being the kind, loving and tolerant person that you obviously are.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[majorbloodnok]

I get it. Other vegans people may wear and use old leather. Just feel sad when it's my loved ones. Most important thing is she's 100 vegan now. I totally understand that from an ethical stance, old leather is fine but as I said just makes me feel sad that a living being had to be hurt for something as frivolous as fashion.

That's a large part of the honest and open discussion you both need to have, but not as part of the reconciliation; it needs to wait until well after the dust has settled again and as part of a clear understanding these feelings of yours do not demand a change on anyone else's part.

Perhaps just as important is what you both do from this point onwards. Given you've let your fervour run away with you a bit, it's highly likely it'll happen again; not in the same way, perhaps, but the characteristic is there. Simply convincing her or yourself you won't do it again is setting yourself up to fail, but discussing ways she can comfortably let you know when she thinks you might need to reel yourself in again is a great way for laying a stronger foundation to your relationship. She'll feel more confident, you'll have wiggle room to be human and you'll both trust each other more. Win, win.

 

[Jamie in Chile]

I think you should apologise and get over it.

To try and get past it you could try meditation. Not just sitting in silence reflectively, but you can learn to remove and control certain thoughts.

It's plausible that you are trying to find someone too perfect a match with you. If this relationships doesn't work out there aren't so many other vegans that are also a good match in other ways.

 

[PTree15]

I get it. Other vegans people may wear and use old leather. Just feel sad when it's my loved ones. Most important thing is she's 100 vegan now. I totally understand that from an ethical stance, old leather is fine but as I said just makes me feel sad that a living being had to be hurt for something as frivolous as fashion.

I had a leather bomber jacket for years that I absolutely loved. I kept it for a while after I went vegan, and I think I wore it once or twice, but when I thought about it how it came to be, I couldn't wear it any longer, so I donated it. Your gf may eventually come to that conclusion. I agree with everyone else that it's best to leave it be.

 

[g0rph]

My 2c
I transitioned May 2022.
I got rid of my leather MC jacket.
But I haven't replaced the boots.
I also have a pair of leather formal shoes that I will wear if I ever need to interview again.

I wouldn't buy any more leather things, but those I have don't hurt anybody.
They even make fake leather these days that looks identical unless you look really close.

It's your actions moving forward that matter. Nothing else.

 

[Yureyc]

Hey,

It's great that you're working on supporting each other's choices. Ethical dilemmas can be tough, especially regarding personal items. Remember, it's her decision what to wear. Maybe have an open talk, find middle ground, and ensure you both feel respected. Best of luck!