Finding the perfect man

Emma JC

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Luck or fate ? 12 days is certainly not a long time to get to know someone.

I like the fact that you stated what you were looking for in a man. That certainly must have frightened many men off from replying. I find some men very strange and get the r signals all wrong . I have occasionally phoned a few men I know just for a friendly chat and they have all though that it was a 'done deal'. :confounded:

20 years is also quite a long time to be with someone these days and I'm happy that is has worked out for both of you. :)
You're right - 12 days is not a long time, however, back then when social media was non-existent and even online dating was new, it would be the equivalent of a number of months of writing letters or occasional phone calls. I can remember emailing back and forth like we text nowadays.

My ad included the question "what is the most important sex organ in a woman" and he answered it correctly. I also stated I was looking for a man who had more tools than I did and I had a lot as I am a daughter of a mechanic and grew up in the "car business" with car crazy brothers. When I met him was just when I first read the China Study and so I was already on the path to where we are today and he didn't have any problem with that and we made this journey together, falling down, getting up, falling down and finally getting up and moving forward without looking back.

The fact that many men were frightened off was the point, of course, and it worked. I also did not include any picture other than one similar to my avatar here. Only after communicating was I willing to share pics.

In order to be "lucky" you have to do a lot of work and kiss a lot of frogs. I highly recommend being very specific if you are going to do online ads and that includes what you are willing to tolerate when it comes to eating. I would never, now, go on a date with a non-vegan and there are a whole list of others "never evers" that would be on the list. Is he perfect? am I? not in the slightest and yet we have the ability to deal with each other's foibles and that is really all that matters.

So don't give up, just look in all the right places!

Emma JC
 
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beancounter

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Finding perfection isn't easy, and quite a high bar. You may want to consider whether you measure up to the standards that you are looking for in a mate.

Or to put it more bluntly, the perfect man may not view you as perfect....

Or as Sting once said "to look for perfection is all very well, but to search for Heaven is to live here in Hell.
 
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Hog

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@ Emma JC

I enjoyed reading the romantic post about how you found your special partner. It was heart warming
 
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I remember, when I was younger, it seemed like guys were nicer. They'd make conversation, talk to you like a friend.

I still meet guys like that, but they're usually in their twenties. I can't rule anyone out based on age, but that spark is often missing when the guy is much younger.

A lot of guys over the age of 25 power-trip. They act condescending. They assume you're really stupid, and that any knowledge you have must come from school or an ex-boyfriend. They're not interested in your ideas. They distrust your judgment, infantilize you. They want to play the Expert all the time. If you know anything that they don't, they get angry. They're really insulting. They neg a lot.

There are exceptions, right? I'm still looking for an exception to all of this. A lot of guys seem nice for a moment and then this other side comes out.

I realize how I sound. I have read the Men Griping About Women version of this. You just sound biased against the opposite sex and bitter. I don't mean it that way. I'm just venting about my own life.

I'm very optimistic that this has to do with who I've been meeting and that if I change the ways I meet men, I'll find nicer ones.

I'm also wondering if our culture has changed and if people are just more short-sighted and shallow than they used to be.

Men of VF, this is not aimed at you. You guys are probably much nicer.
 
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Andy_T

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My ad included the question "what is the most important sex organ in a woman" and he answered it correctly. I also stated I was looking for a man who had more tools than I did and I had a lot as I am a daughter of a mechanic and grew up in the "car business" with car crazy brothers.
That's interesting! Let me guess - was the correct answer you were looking for "the brain" ? :cool:
The second requirement with the tools, however, is harder to meet, even though many men like to collect all kinds of tools.
But you also have to really know how to use them.

NYC Gardener, what you are describing sound to a lot like "As you get older, you learn things, experience things, get smarter and have less tolerance for BS". (writing the abbreviation here as the forum did not like me writing the full word and changed it to "*****")
 
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NYC Gardener

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@Andy_T, yeah, I realized after I posted that that was the key issue. In college, everyone seemed nice because we were all just students. Adults can be weird about other adults' successes. They want to have the upper hand.

I need to find more people who don't think that way.
 
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Emma JC

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I remember, when I was younger, it seemed like guys were nicer. They'd make conversation, talk to you like a friend.

I still meet guys like that, but they're usually in their twenties. I can't rule anyone out based on age, but that spark is often missing when the guy is much younger.

A lot of guys over the age of 25 power-trip. They act condescending. They assume you're really stupid, and that any knowledge you have must come from school or an ex-boyfriend. They're not interested in your ideas. They distrust your judgment, infantilize you. They want to play the Expert all the time. If you know anything that they don't, they get angry. They're really insulting. They neg a lot.

There are exceptions, right? I'm still looking for an exception to all of this. A lot of guys seem nice for a moment and then this other side comes out.

I realize how I sound. I have read the Men Griping About Women version of this. You just sound biased against the opposite sex and bitter. I don't mean it that way. I'm just venting about my own life.

I'm very optimistic that this has to do with who I've been meeting and that if I change the ways I meet men, I'll find nicer ones.

I'm also wondering if our culture has changed and if people are just more short-sighted and shallow than they used to be.

Men of VF, this is not aimed at you. You guys are probably much nicer.
It is a tough age as some guys are just on the cusp of becoming more mature and because they are older we expect more from them.

I had just turned 39 when I met my honey and he was 43. Had been a husband, is a father and had been split up for over 4 years, as had I.

I think is important that a guy has had a good decent relationship, even if it ended, and that some 'rebound time' has gone by as everyone is much more vulnerable and needy shortly after a break up, women included. I had a great 'rebound' relationship just after I split up and it was great for me but hurtful for him as I was not ready for anything else. We stayed friends and business partners and he definitely helped me to get back on my feet emotionally. So if you are looking for a long term relationship try not to get involved with anyone who has recently ended a long term one themselves. I did date lots of 'rebounders' and I know that I helped them, as I was helped but it doesn't lead to anything lasting.

Emma JC
 
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Hog

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The brain is the ultimate sex organ.

I kissed my mom, grandma, and little old ladies at a nursing home. One lady at the nursing home said, you need a girlfriend. I said, "I can always kiss you."

She said, "You are like a little boy to me. You are younger than my grandson."

I had my first romantic hug and kiss only after after my future wife and I were engaged. But, it did not seem particularly romantic at the time.

I had my V-card until I was twenty five. My wife and I were naked except for our wedding rings when it first happened.

My true talent was in writing romantic poetry. I later showed my male friend the poetry. It was fairly innocent stuff.

My friend said, "No wonder you never had premarital sex. This is more intense than wild orgasmic sex. Just imagine what her friends thought when they read that. They were probably jealous and swooning at the same time."

I wish that somebody told me that marriage is difficult before I was engaged. There is no perpetual romantic marital bliss. The romantic days are frequently far and few between.

My wife had a skyzophrenic breakdown about a year ago. Life had become extraordinarily difficult in the years before the breakdown. She even called the cops on me. I begged them to arrest me and do an investigation. They refused to take finger prints and lock me up. (But, that is a different story.)
A month after the incident, I told my wife that it is time to go to the psychiatric hospital. She said, "Do you realize what you are saying? I may not be able to work anymore."

I said, "That is the general idea. You will be dead in a year if you do not get help. I really do not want to be single."

After she got home from the hospital, she said, "To put up with me for these last few years must have been difficult." She looked at me in the most loving way possible. I suppose it was the most romantic moment in our lives.

I said, "You have done nothing wrong in the eyes of God. An apology is the last thing in the world I want from you."
 

rogerjolly

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Hi Hog.

There is no such thing as “the perfect person” unless we mean perfect as perfect can be.

I wonder why it is that you and I each appear to be as near “the perfect man” as is possible, ;)
And that we are “not available”.

Could it not be that we have each found “the perfect woman”? And that we have grown wiser and more considerate over time?

I have never, ever “gone astray” and have not even been tempted to do so. Ah, the course of true love.

Roger
 
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NYC Gardener

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Quarantine took a toll on my social skills. I'm getting out and meeting guys, but I'm back to being a nerdy kid who can't Social. Awkward silences, saying too much at once, all kinds of conversation failures. Plus I've gotten used to being alone and the idea of being close to people again is a little scary.

Fortunately(?), all the guys I've felt attracted to lately have been inactionable crushes - they're spoken for or it would be a bad idea for some other reason. This is good because it gives me a chance to practice talking to someone I have a crush on without anything to actually lose.

Talking to someone you have a crush on is hard.
 
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