Feeling Intimidated

[Renee1]

Has anyone ever felt completely intimidated by a person they've just started to see? I mean, I usually don't suffer from a crisis of confidence but he's just so.... smart.

I'm aware that I'm not being particularly articulate here and I can give more details, but I just hope to have some kind of discussion about this and will wait to see what others have to say before attempting to explain myself.

 

[mlp]

I think that being intimidated by someone, and especially someone you're seeing romantically, serves as a *check engine* light - time to do some real observation to see whether there's something going on inside yourself that you haven't been aware of and which should be addressed, or whether there's something about him that should set you running for the hills. If you don't usually suffer from a crisis of confidence, I would suspect that it's more likely that there's a problem with him. Controlling personalities often project a certain something that makes others unsure of themselves - it's how they get to ultimately exercise control.

 

[Freesia]

I kind of had that with my last ex. He had this unshakeable confidence which I couldnt really mirror so I ended up being the less confident one. I think you can make it work with people like that as long as you dont get lost in them, ie make sure you are still focused on your own skills and self, life path etc.... when I am observing someone too much as having certain qualities I end up sort of forgetting myself and my talents. Hard to explain but yes this has happened to me a number of times.

 

[Renee1]

I think that being intimidated by someone, and especially someone you're seeing romantically, serves as a *check engine* light - time to do some real observation to see whether there's something going on inside yourself that you haven't been aware of and which should be addressed, or whether there's something about him that should set you running for the hills. If you don't usually suffer from a crisis of confidence, I would suspect that it's more likely that there's a problem with him. Controlling personalities often project a certain something that makes others unsure of themselves - it's how they get to ultimately exercise control.

Having had a few minutes to mull over what are very valid points you've brought up, I can guarantee this is not the case here. My long-term ex was a very (subtly) controlling dude and until I was out of it, I didn't realize it. Everyone around me did and no one thought to bring it up. The good thing is now I'm hyper-aware of the signs and would never allow it to happen again.

I really appreciate your post, as it gave me pause and another perspective. I've come to realize that I actually am having a crisis of confidence. For one thing, I feel like he's more informed on feminist issues (among other things) than I am, and that intimidates me. I'm going to flip that and look at it positively - I will learn something from him.

I'm also used to the people I'm seeing spewing out empty flattery and I think I've come to expect that as a gauge for their feelings. I know it's dysfunctional and it's burnt me really badly recently. Now that I've had time to think about it, I'm glad he says what he means and nothing else. It's how I am with my words, especially in person. In addition, he's really guarded. So am I. I'm just not used to getting a taste of my own medicine, I think.

I process emotions very quickly btw.

I kind of had that with my last ex. He had this unshakeable confidence which I couldnt really mirror so I ended up being the less confident one. I think you can make it work with people like that as long as you dont get lost in them, ie make sure you are still focused on your own skills and self, life path etc.... when I am observing someone too much as having certain qualities I end up sort of forgetting myself and my talents. Hard to explain but yes this has happened to me a number of times.

Lost seven years of my life to that. Will not happen again. I'd rather be alone forever than lose who I am again.

 

[mlp]

It sounds as though you have a good handle on it.

 

[K-II]

I wish I had a relationship with someone smarter than me. (so many weird emotes and nothing for this? Cheap...) More confident doesn't sound too bad either. As long as they weren't arrogant or anything, but that would be way too annoying to reach the 'in a relationship' phase. To me it seems more like the problem isn't necessarily low confidence itself, but that you're comparing to/competing with them or something. Like, why should it matter if he knows more about something?

 

[Renee1]

I'm not intimidated by him anymore.​

​

I wish I had a relationship with someone smarter than me. (so many weird emotes and nothing for this? Cheap...) More confident doesn't sound too bad either. As long as they weren't arrogant or anything, but that would be way too annoying to reach the 'in a relationship' phase. To me it seems more like the problem isn't necessarily low confidence itself, but that you're comparing to/competing with them or something. Like, why should it matter if he knows more about something?

I don't think I was competing necessarily, and now that I've spent more time with him, I don't think it's a matter of knowing more than I do. It really was a crisis of confidence. That's over now.

 

[Josh James xVx]

Remember that everyone you meet is a primate. Also imagine them in a pink speedo.