Domestic abuse

[kazyeeqen]

Funny I was reading this and just as I finished the page I heard our neighbor scream, '*wife's name* shut the **** up, I swear to God shut the **** up!"

*sigh* I'm fairly certain there's no physical abuse going on over there, but damn is that man mean.

 

[jeneticallymodified]

Funny I was reading this and just as I finished the page I heard our neighbor scream, '*wife's name* shut the **** up, I swear to God shut the **** up!"

*sigh* I'm fairly certain there's no physical abuse going on over there, but damn is that man mean.

psychological abuse is insidious. you can't put a cast on it like a broken wrist.

 

[kazyeeqen]

psychological abuse is insidious. you can't put a cast on it like a broken wrist.

For sure. She's a nice lady, and a lot of times she tells him to be nice or not to talk to her that way, so it's not like she's totally unaware that he's being an ******* or thinking that she just deserves it. It's bizarre.

 

[K-II]

i stopped telling my friend what to do after a while, and started just listening, and sharing with her that it was not ever ok for people to beat on or yell at or manipulate other people, period. that the people who do that sort of thing are broken, and that you can't fix them, all you can do is look after yourself- and that she was VERY worthy of being loved and treated better.

i stopped bringing up the abuse, and just focussed on providing somewhere safe where she could just relax and be herself, and being a friend who brought out her strengths, and reminded her of how awesome she was, and is- we'd do normal things like we used to do before she met the turd- go for walks, shop, hang out, chat about silly crap- let her clear her head and escape mentally.

i infrequently reminded her that if she decided that she wanted a break from the abuse, that there was a bedroom next to mine that was all set up and painted her favourite colour, and that i could help her get set up to go somewhere else, that we could help her to sort out money and phones and bills and cars out and all of it, she just had to ask, and i frequently reminded her that she could call me at 3am or whenever, for any reason- even if she just wanted to chat about a movie she saw- but made it clear that i was here for her regardless.

and then one day, to everybody's surprise, she only bloody well got up and left the douchebag narcissist ******** all by herself, and never looked back.

she owns that 110%. nobody made that decision for her. and now a few years and a few bumps down the road later, she has THE bestest man ever and the bestest kitty and her life is getting so much better all around. she has reinvented herself. .

Is this related to the post you quoted?

 

[cornsail]

I don't think it's easy for most people to leave someone they're emotionally attached to, not to mention logistical concerns like shared living space, shared income, cars, kids, and so on at the drop of a hat. I remember learning in a marital violence class a few years back that most people with violent spouses do leave before long (i.e. within the first year). Just not necessarily immediately.

 

[mlp]

psychological abuse is insidious. you can't put a cast on it like a broken wrist.

Agreed. My sister's first husband was physically abusive; her second was psychologically abusive. The second did at least as much harm, and as long lasting, as the first.

I don't think it's easy for most people to leave someone they're emotionally attached to, not to mention logistical concerns like shared living space, shared income, cars, kids, and so on at the drop of a hat. I remember learning in a marital violence class a few years back that most people with violent spouses do leave before long (i.e. within the first year). Just not necessarily immediately.

Many people though end up with one abuser after another. I had a secretary who I fairly quickly realized had been abused - I noticed she flinched if I made any sudden moves around her. She eventually (after years) told me that he first two husbands had beaten her. The third husband, according to he, had not been abusive, he "only slapped" her. She was on her fourth marriage, and she tended to come to work with fairly serious injuries every year or so - a black eye, a bruised and wrenched arm, etc. There were always stories about camping mishaps, etc., to explain the injuries. I don't think anyone in the office ever thought twice about how the injuries were incurred.

I think that if we, as a society could do something different so that abuse victims don't feel embarrassed/ashamed, that would be a help.

 

[Forster]

I think that if we, as a society could do something different so that abuse victims don't feel embarrassed/ashamed, that would be a help.

That would certainly help, but IMO a big part of the problem are the women who somehow feel they deserve the treatment or brought it on themselves.

 

[das_nut]

I don't think it's easy for most people to leave someone they're emotionally attached to, not to mention logistical concerns like shared living space.

Financial woes are also a big one, especially when combined with low self-esteem. Plus there's the problem that when it comes to purely emotional abuse, a lot of people don't see it as abuse. It's not like physical or sexual violence. But it's still very ugly.

 

[jeneticallymodified]

Is this related to the post you quoted?

yes. you said it comes down to reminding them to leave, until you get sick of it.

i said that i actively decided not to tell my friend to leave.

telling vulnerable people what to do when they're already getting plenty of bullying at home isn't always the best strategy. they might do what you say and then be swayed back or into another shitty relationship by a louder, bossier, voice. they might leave, and then hang onto you for support and not learn to stand up by themselves- changing one 'dependant' role for another, or they might blame you for it- if when they leave it doesn't work out.

sometimes people need time and space and confidence building, to enable them to make their own decisions.

 

[AspireToExpire]

yes. you said it comes down to reminding them to leave, until you get sick of it.

i said that i actively decided not to tell my friend to leave.

telling vulnerable people what to do when they're already getting plenty of bullying at home isn't always the best strategy. they might do what you say and then be swayed back or into another shitty relationship by a louder, bossier, voice. they might leave, and then hang onto you for support and not learn to stand up by themselves- changing one 'dependant' role for another, or they might blame you for it- if when they leave it doesn't work out.

sometimes people need time and space and confidence building, to enable them to make their own decisions.

And sometimes they just need someone to listen and care. Regardless if we can relate to their situation or agree with their decisions, sometimes when they are asking for advice or it seems like they are they are hoping for some they are really just reaching out for a friend and that is when they should be reminded things will be okay and of their self worth as simple as that is, sometimes people need to hear it.

 

[K-II]

yes. you said it comes down to reminding them to leave, until you get sick of it.

i said that i actively decided not to tell my friend to leave.

telling vulnerable people what to do when they're already getting plenty of bullying at home isn't always the best strategy. they might do what you say and then be swayed back or into another shitty relationship by a louder, bossier, voice. they might leave, and then hang onto you for support and not learn to stand up by themselves- changing one 'dependant' role for another, or they might blame you for it- if when they leave it doesn't work out.

sometimes people need time and space and confidence building, to enable them to make their own decisions.

You can remind a person of a decision they made. Which they can do without necessarily being mentally prepared to go through with it at the time. Maybe it would ultimately be better for them to prepare themselves without external encouragement. It's also entirely possible in some cases that they may not live that much longer.

*shrug*
Your call.

 

[jeneticallymodified]

You can remind a person of a decision they made. Which they can do without necessarily being mentally prepared to go through with it at the time. Maybe it would ultimately be better for them to prepare themselves without external encouragement. It's also entirely possible in some cases that they may not live that much longer.

*shrug*
Your call.

you can certainly encourage somebody without telling them what to do. i can, anyway.

it's entirely possible that any of us may not live much longer. including the person who bosses their friend around, if the psycho bf finds out where the hell they've gone off to, and who told them to go. not that such a thing ever stopped me from supporting my friend.

please don't try to manipulate people's feelings by implying that they should feel guilty about treading gently around other people's lives.

 

[K-II]

you can certainly encourage somebody without telling them what to do. i can, anyway.

Um... well done? I can tell the difference between 'tell' and 'remind'. I guess we all have our strong points.

it's entirely possible that any of us may not live much longer. including the person who bosses their friend around, if the psycho bf finds out where the hell they've gone off to, and who told them to go. not that such a thing ever stopped me from supporting my friend.

I'm not terribly worried by people who like to beat the **** out of someone who is smaller than they are and barely retaliates. Actually, I'm not much concerned for my safety in general, but especially then.

please don't try to manipulate people's feelings by implying that they should feel guilty about treading gently around other people's lives.

What? I can honestly say I've never given any thought to your feelings, and I've no idea why you think otherwise. It would also be extremely difficult for me to make anyone feel guilty since I quite literally almost never feel it, and don't fully understand the feeling.

 

[uno]

This is so much more complicated than 'just leave them cuz they're such assholes'. if only. yet another gray area in what people would hope to be black and white.