Domestic abuse

das_nut

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When will people learn to walk out, and stay out, of a relationship at the first sign of violence?

Its a shame we do not have mandatory counseling for the victims in these cases. There is frequently a pattern of thinking by the victim where the victim thinks they cannot leave the relationship, that they are unable to survive on their own, or that they are unworthy of finding someone better. Fear and low self-esteem ends up trapping them in relationships with domestic abuse (be it physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial, etc). That's why people don't leave, or if they do leave, they end up going back or end up with a different abusive partner.

But these are victims, and our system of law does not (and should not) punish people for being victims. Perhaps instead we should set up programs that give domestic abuse victims an incentive for counseling, such as housing assistance, or a monetary payment.

Also, the alleged perpetrator in this case previously received a suspended sentence for choking the victim. WTF? Simple rule - an unjustified violent attack should always lead to a prison sentence. That's what prison should be for: removing a dangerous person from society (and attempting to rehabilitate them - we don't have room to lock up most prisoners forever).
 

jeneticallymodified

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maybe when all people are raised in emotionally healthy environments, when they all have excellent senses of self worth, great coping skills, the desire to seek out help and the ability to get it and apply it at the first signs of trouble, when they don't love the other party and so desperately want the relationship to succeed, or to justify their behaviour, or persuade themselves that it was totally a one off error of judgement that'll never happen again, cos they're incredibly sorry, and were really really stressed, and just flipped for a second... etc.

so uh... not any time soon. :(
 

K-II

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ah.... forcibly dragging vulnerable people away from harmful interactions *brain explodes*

Yes, kidnapping tends to complicate matters. So usually with those people it just ends up as reminding them to leave every time they come to tell you about the latest abuse, until either it happens or you get tired of saying it.
 

AspireToExpire

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I am not proud of my violent outbursts years back when my husband and I first moved in together and I really have no excuse. Sure being younger and angrier with poor coping skills after sexual trauma without professional help probably fueled a lot of it and I took it out on the one person who decided to stick by my side rather than let me down or disappear like I was used to in my family and probably fearful of but damn lucky I didn't cause to happen... but my point is, violence in a relationship is not always at the hands of a man obviously, and not all violent arguments lead to death or crazier violence. Some of it leads to self reflection, growth and healing. Life is full of choices and opportunity to change the things we are not happy about within ourselves and our relationships.
 
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uno

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I am not proud of my violent outbursts years back when my husband and I first moved in together and I really have no excuse. Sure being younger and angrier with poor coping skills after sexual trauma without professional help probably fueled a lot of it and I took it out on the one person who decided to stick by my side rather than let me down or disappear like I was used to in my family and probably fearful of but damn lucky I didn't cause to happen... but my point is, violence in a relationship is not always at the hands of a man obviously, and not all violent arguments lead to death or crazier violence. Some of it leads to self reflection, growth and healing. Life is full of choices and opportunity to change the things we are not happy about within ourselves and our relationships.

Agreed. there can be things gleaned from this negativity. including growth from at least one party. as rough as it sounds, dv can be an experience to learn from.
 
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mlp

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Maybe they're afraid they'll get it worse if they attempt to leave.

I know many do. And, in fact, I believe that studies do show that the most dangerous period for a victim of domestic abuse is when s/he decides to leave. But most victims also usually decide to leave only after the cycle of violence is already well established.

I am not proud of my violent outbursts years back when my husband and I first moved in together and I really have no excuse. Sure being younger and angrier with poor coping skills after sexual trauma without professional help probably fueled a lot of it and I took it out on the one person who decided to stick by my side rather than let me down or disappear like I was used to in my family and probably fearful of but damn lucky I didn't cause to happen... but my point is, violence in a relationship is not always at the hands of a man obviously, and not all violent arguments lead to death or crazier violence. Some of it leads to self reflection, growth and healing. Life is full of choices and opportunity to change the things we are not happy about within ourselves and our relationships.

:hug: Do you think you would not have grown if your husband had refused to stay?

I think that a lot of SO's stay because they think they can *fix* the other person. I think we can only *fix* ourselves, with professional help, if needed. Trying to *fix* a significant other, a friend or other relative, doesn't work and isn't healthy, either for the person trying to do the *fixing* or the one supposedly being *fixed*, nor is it healthy for the relationship, IME.
 

sallyomally

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Its a shame we do not have mandatory counseling for the victims in these cases. There is frequently a pattern of thinking by the victim where the victim thinks they cannot leave the relationship, that they are unable to survive on their own, or that they are unworthy of finding someone better. Fear and low self-esteem ends up trapping them in relationships with domestic abuse (be it physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial, etc).


This. Fear plays a huge part. I speak from experience.
 

RabbitLuvr

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I dated a guy who became physically abusive once. (There was a free concert in the park that I wanted to go to but he didn't, so I went with a friend. When I walked in the door he pinned me against the wall with his hands around my neck. He yelled at me then let me go. Thankfully we had separate bedrooms and my door had a lock on it. The next morning I noticed some things around the house had been smashed and strewn about.)

I moved out less than a week later.
 

Forster

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I moved out less than a week later.

Good for you, seriously. No way in hell I'd stay in any kind of a relationship where abuse took place, one time is IMO one time too many. Sure some people can get help and change there ways but I'm not a gambling man. Cut my losses and move on.
 
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jeneticallymodified

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Yes, kidnapping tends to complicate matters. So usually with those people it just ends up as reminding them to leave every time they come to tell you about the latest abuse, until either it happens or you get tired of saying it.

i stopped telling my friend what to do after a while, and started just listening, and sharing with her that it was not ever ok for people to beat on or yell at or manipulate other people, period. that the people who do that sort of thing are broken, and that you can't fix them, all you can do is look after yourself- and that she was VERY worthy of being loved and treated better.

i stopped bringing up the abuse, and just focussed on providing somewhere safe where she could just relax and be herself, and being a friend who brought out her strengths, and reminded her of how awesome she was, and is- we'd do normal things like we used to do before she met the turd- go for walks, shop, hang out, chat about silly crap- let her clear her head and escape mentally.

i infrequently reminded her that if she decided that she wanted a break from the abuse, that there was a bedroom next to mine that was all set up and painted her favourite colour, and that i could help her get set up to go somewhere else, that we could help her to sort out money and phones and bills and cars out and all of it, she just had to ask, and i frequently reminded her that she could call me at 3am or whenever, for any reason- even if she just wanted to chat about a movie she saw- but made it clear that i was here for her regardless.

and then one day, to everybody's surprise, she only bloody well got up and left the douchebag narcissist ******** all by herself, and never looked back.

she owns that 110%. nobody made that decision for her. and now a few years and a few bumps down the road later, she has THE bestest man ever and the bestest kitty and her life is getting so much better all around. she has reinvented herself. . :D
:kitty:
 
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Digger

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i stopped telling my friend what to do after a while, and started just listening, and sharing with her that it was not ever ok for people to beat on or yell at or manipulate other people, period.
Unfortunately that's a hard sell... as many people expect that treatment... and will even be disappointed when they do not receive it.
 

jeneticallymodified

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Unfortunately that's a hard sell... as many people expect that treatment... and will even be disappointed when they do not receive it.

i know. i was raised by an alcoholic. :(

thankfully all of her friends got on board with this, and were able to model more healthy relationships, and conflict resolution strategies too.