How do you overlook the cruelty of family members?

[MadeUpName]

My uncle fishes frequently, and now encourages his daughter's son to follow him in this activity, something that he, along with other family members often share with me, despite knowing that I'm vegan and opposed to this type of behaviour.

This uncle of mine seems to look for any excuse to bring up fishing while in my company, something which disgusts me and only lowers my already-mediocre opinion of him (he loves himself).

The obvious course of action is to ask all of my family not to mention fishing in my presence, something I'm sure will prompt a great deal of laughter since they none of them have a fully-developed sense of empathy and simply don't understand my issue.

My fear is that I'll fly off the handle and vocalise opinions and feelings that may cause irreparable damage (my Mum is very close to my uncle/her brother), something I'm more than capable of since I'm an animal-intuitive, INFJ personality with inattentive ADHD, all of which contribute to extreme emotions and reactions to anything that trigger me.

Maybe I should just send them all this post.

Anyway, I'm looking for any advice any of you might be able to offer me, as my mood-swings regarding this are becoming severe and my hatred grows, something that's hindering my personal development.

I can avoid most other triggers, or 'accept' animal cruelty (in the news, second-hand stories, etc) as an abhorrence that occurs every day as a result of a complex world with a multitude of outlooks, but I find that with family members, it's very difficult to ignore, and the sight of him instantly sours me.

 

[Tomas]

In my 38 years of veganism I have learned it is not always wise to state your believes openly and get into long winded discussions. We, as vegans, are a ideological minority and as such state opinions that are not shared by the many. In this case we are the 1%. People that don't share our opinions are not inherently evil either. Regretfully, eating meat is still the standard in this world and we are the 'deviants'.

I myself have a stepson. When he is with us, he doesn't eat animal products but he does when he is with his father. His father believes eating meat is important while we do not. He basically pushes his son to eat it at his place or he just doens't get any food. It is his opinion and he is entitled to it, however much I oppose it. The only thing I can do about it is having a critical and open discussions with my stepson about the etical issues with eating meat, the meat industry and its impact on the environment so that, when he is old enough to do so, he can make his own informed decision.

 

[MadeUpName]

In my 38 years of veganism I have learned it is not always wise to state your believes openly and get into long winded discussions. We, as vegans, are a ideological minority and as such state opinions that are not shared by the many. In this case we are the 1%. People that don't share our opinions are not inherently evil either. Regretfully, eating meat is still the standard in this world and we are the 'deviants'.

I myself have a stepson. When he is with us, he doesn't eat animal products but he does when he is with his father. His father believes eating meat is important while we do not. He basically pushes his son to eat it at his place or he just doens't get any food. It is his opinion and he is entitled to it, however much I oppose it. The only thing I can do about it is having a critical and open discussions with my stepson about the etical issues with eating meat, the meat industry and its impact on the environment so that, when he is old enough to do so, he can make his own informed decision.

I hear what you're saying, Tomas

 

[MadeUpName]

Thanks for your response.

 

[MadeUpName]

While I completely accept that all of my friends and family eat meat, and often in front of me, neither of which is an issue for me (I could cook meat for someone, so long as they bought it), trying to provoke a response from me is pretty low, in my opinion, which is what my uncle seems to be attempting, as a result I think, of feeling threatened by my vegan stance, perhaps as a matter of shame that he's not aware of.

 

[Emma JC]

welcome to the forum

Fishing is a very tough subject. Even when I was a very small child I loved to fish, I hated catching the fish and yet I used to beg my dad to take me out in the boat and even if it was a sunfish I caught I would be out on the front of the boat, as far away as possible from the poor flopping fish. I am not sure what it is about fishing, maybe the lottery aspect "will I catch anything", or if it is the peacefulness (until there is a fish on). I didn't even really mind the 'putting a worm on a hook' part.

Maybe the next time it comes up you could ask your uncle, 'what part of fishing do you enjoy?' is it the time spent in nature? is it the fight to get the fish onboard? is it the clubbing and cleaning of it? or is it the eating? maybe just making him more aware of his motivations and asking him if he gives thanks for the fish before eating it?

Try to find a happy place to go to in your mind when these sorts of topics are brought up? Unfortunately we have no control over other people and despite your tendencies you may have to remember that you are the only person that you have control over. I wish you all the best in these circumstances, it must be very unpleasant and tough to stay even keeled.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

 

[silva]

Why would you want to be amongst people who would make you the butt of jokes? I wouldn't

 

[feather]

If someone says things that turn my stomach, or I start to feel a sick feeling when I'm invited to see them, just so they can bring up subjects that are antagonistic, then I set a boundary. My boundary is to not subject myself to those kinds of people because I deserve respect and kindness. I would probably not spend time with them. This opens a window of time to meeting kinder and more respectful people in my life, so I nurture those relationships when I find them.

 

[MadeUpName]

welcome to the forum

Fishing is a very tough subject. Even when I was a very small child I loved to fish, I hated catching the fish and yet I used to beg my dad to take me out in the boat and even if it was a sunfish I caught I would be out on the front of the boat, as far away as possible from the poor flopping fish. I am not sure what it is about fishing, maybe the lottery aspect "will I catch anything", or if it is the peacefulness (until there is a fish on). I didn't even really mind the 'putting a worm on a hook' part.

Maybe the next time it comes up you could ask your uncle, 'what part of fishing do you enjoy?' is it the time spent in nature? is it the fight to get the fish onboard? is it the clubbing and cleaning of it? or is it the eating? maybe just making him more aware of his motivations and asking him if he gives thanks for the fish before eating it?

Try to find a happy place to go to in your mind when these sorts of topics are brought up? Unfortunately we have no control over other people and despite your tendencies you may have to remember that you are the only person that you have control over. I wish you all the best in these circumstances, it must be very unpleasant and tough to stay even keeled.

Emma JC
Find your vegan soulmate or just a friend. www.spiritualmatchmaking.com

Good advice, Emma. Thank you.

I'm sure that giving thanks to the fish is no consolation whatsoever for it, or the worm, for that matter. It's on par with a serial killer apologising for strangling you to death, ha ha.

 

[MadeUpName]

If someone says things that turn my stomach, or I start to feel a sick feeling when I'm invited to see them, just so they can bring up subjects that are antagonistic, then I set a boundary. My boundary is to not subject myself to those kinds of people because I deserve respect and kindness. I would probably not spend time with them. This opens a window of time to meeting kinder and more respectful people in my life, so I nurture those relationships when I find them.

My family generally mean well, including my uncle, but he's also got (in my opinion) a serious lack of empathy. I can't see him changing any time soon, so it's up to me to overlook his behaviour, in order to keep our family friction-free.

 

[MadeUpName]

If someone says things that turn my stomach, or I start to feel a sick feeling when I'm invited to see them, just so they can bring up subjects that are antagonistic, then I set a boundary. My boundary is to not subject myself to those kinds of people because I deserve respect and kindness. I would probably not spend time with them. This opens a window of time to meeting kinder and more respectful people in my life, so I nurture those relationships when I find them.

I hear you. If my family were horrible in any other way, I'd cast them off, if you'll excuse the pun, but they're not a bad bunch of people. It's just that I get easily triggered by people who display less empathy than I do, which is a fault of my own.

 

[Vegannomad]

Hi MadeUpName,
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through that with your uncle and family. The vegan path can be a difficult one at times. I will tell you that I often think non-vegans feel threatened by vegans, so they will sometimes try to annoy us by purposely talking about meat, hunting, fishing, and other sensitive topics in our presence. I think that on some level, people know that causing suffering for another living being is wrong, but they have become disconnected from that part of the self. They have also been brainwashed to believe that the human body needs meat to survive. Sooooo, along comes YOU, with your kindness and compassion, and that shakes their belief system and makes them catch a glimpse of the person they should really be. They don't like that feeling, so they take jabs at you. I know it's really difficult, but try not to react. There is strength in silence. Just sit there, and remember you're not alone. I would also try to limit contact with your uncle. There's nothing wrong with avoiding people who annoy you, family or not.

 

[feather]

@Vegannomad "I think that on some level, people know that causing suffering for another living being is wrong, but they have become disconnected from that part of the self."
Let's not forget that when animals are overpopulating an area, there is damage done to the human (humans are animals too) population in terms of car accidents, and farmland and gardens. I don't know that fishing falls into that at all. We still need to deal with the over populations.

@MadeUpName so what you are saying, is you are willing to sacrifice being treated with respect for the sake of your family. I'm sure the other members of your family would be willing to be treated in a disrespectful way, on your behalf as well. Right?

 

[silva]

@MadeUpName so what you are saying, is you are willing to sacrifice being treated with respect for the sake of your family. I'm sure the other members of your family would be willing to be treated in a disrespectful way, on your behalf as well. Right?

This %

It's one thing to get along with people that have different opinions than you as long as their is respect. When it becomes a power play of who is right or who is better, that's where I stop interaction. To ignore ridicule is allowing yourself to be their victim.

Replace veganism with anything else. Would you ignore talk that disparaging other people? Racist or homophobic taunts?
What value do these people add to your life?

 

[feather]

This %

It's one thing to get along with people that have different opinions than you as long as their is respect. When it becomes a power play of who is right or who is better, that's where I stop interaction. To ignore ridicule is allowing yourself to be their victim.

Replace veganism with anything else. Would you ignore talk that disparaging other people? Racist or homophobic taunts?
What value do these people add to your life?

Healthy relationships are collaborative. Healthy competition works in games like tennis, scrabble, and soccer. Competition for best/worst/win/lose doesn't belong in relationships.

 

[MorellaRat]

Hi Madeupname, I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm hoping some Buddhist teachings might help. I use them to try and mellow myself to inflammatory vegan remarks or people acting out against your beliefs just to get a reaction. Here we go:

If what your uncle says is the truth (we know it not, but bear with me) then accept it, and if something needs to be changed to make yourself or the situation better, do it.

If what your uncle says is a lie, or not based on truth, simply ignore it. It's not real, so you don't need to act on it.

Following on from that, tell yourself this: If your uncle wants to waste his valuable time thinking up of ways to upset you, then that's his loss, when there's much nicer, more optimistic things he can spend his time on. You're the better man, you don't spend your time on negativity.

If he doesn't want a good relationship with you, then he doesn't deserve to know you, and it's his loss again. Just realise you're in so much of a better place not having opinions like his! Life's far, far too short to squander it.

It takes practise, I've been working on it for about 15 years, but it makes everything a lot easier eventually.