Addictions are strong

Sproutskies

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Have been finding myself not want to interact with people at all recently and studying chess at home in all of my free time. My default is to interact with other people and not focus on my internal state when I'm always out of my apartment.

Growing up I had a very traumatic childhood I was always getting into fights and hanging out with the pothead crowd by the time I was in high school. As a kid I got a restraining order against a parent from much of the abuse that occurred when I was very young. With all of these memories and feeling wired differently than other people it seems like a lot of this bad energy has been trying to find its way back into my life. Having processed these events over a lifetime there is still some lingering anger and distrust not directed at any one person.

It could be that I feel that I have missed out on the normal parts of life and have focused more as connecting at a distance all too many chunks of time. I would get close to a gf or a best friend and then automatically push those people away, break up, change up friends. It's gotten better as I'm currently more aware of the patterns. There are maybe three or four people who I could never see myself distrusting and then there is this sense that my soul is being torn in many directions with the rest of the world. Like a sad and racy feeling.

Now with free time I have been going to addictions w technology, food, sometimes use meditation and or exercise as an escape. It helps my mind get away from some of these bad realities and falling into the abyss of thoughts.

Just worried about getting lost and escaping so far away from what's really going to help me feel whole.
 
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I don’t know that I have any words of wisdom for you but I read through your post in its entirety and can offer a virtual hug. I think many of us can relate in one form or another...similar feelings but different circumstances. 💙
 
My past is similar. Anger issues are a ***** to over come. I do know this... Don't trust with your mind as the mind lies. Trust your heart and gut, especially with people. That's what I've found over the years through both self reflection and through study.

Spiritually speaking... esoteric, occult etc. Inward is the path. ( Congrats on the meditation.) Past trauma no longer exist there is only now. What you do , how you feel, how you let things affect you, you determine all that. You determine how you feel and no on else. Most say that you need to forgive to move on. Certain 12 step programs, religions, and so on. Hanging onto the past is destructive. Dwelling in the Past is Depression. Worrying about the Future is Anxiety. Quantumly speaking time (and space) is an illusion anyway. So just be, you are probably right where you need to be anyway.

Physical world terms. Live for the moment as well. If people prove their worth don't push them away. It's good you are destroying those patterns. Maybe apologize to those that you ditched. Explain that you weren't in the right state of mind. Eliminate any possible guilt from the long gone past.

Potheads are okay. Just pot doesn't pair well with teenage angst. I hope that helps. No one has the answers but you ultimately. Good luck man. It's a lonely journey.
 
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I don’t know that I have any words of wisdom for you but I read through your post in its entirety and can offer a virtual hug. I think many of us can relate in one form or another...similar feelings but different circumstances. 💙

My past is similar. Anger issues are a ***** to over come. I do know this... Don't trust with your mind as the mind lies. Trust your heart and gut, especially with people. That's what I've found over the years through both self reflection and through study.

Spiritually speaking... esoteric, occult etc. Inward is the path. ( Congrats on the meditation.) Past trauma no longer exist there is only now. What you do , how you feel, how you let things affect you, you determine all that. You determine how you feel and no on else. Most say that you need to forgive to move on. Certain 12 step programs, religions, and so on. Hanging onto the past is destructive. Dwelling in the Past is Depression. Worrying about the Future is Anxiety. Quantumly speaking time (and space) is an illusion anyway. So just be, you are probably right where you need to be anyway.

Physical world terms. Live for the moment as well. If people prove their worth don't push them away. It's good you are destroying those patterns. Maybe apologize to those that you ditched. Explain that you weren't in the right state of mind. Eliminate any possible guilt from the long gone past.

Potheads are okay. Just pot doesn't pair well with teenage angst. I hope that helps. No one has the answers but you ultimately. Good luck man. It's a lonely journey.
Thanks guys for the love and support! No instant fixes. @VeganDawn Have to agree that it's all an illusion at this point because it's obvious that history is repeating a lot less and it's been so much time since precipitating events. As people we want to control and label everything at a snapshot view but there is always something obvious in the moment to show things are changing. It's like that river analogy of where you can be in the same spot of flowing water but at two different points in time you are in transport to a new location. Have to trust the instincts that I'm always moving forward on the right path.
 
Addictions definitely are strong. The behaviour has been studied and what has been found out is that if given a chance to do something much more healthier, the human or non-human animal with this behaviour, almost always choses their old behaviour. For example, if their partner says that they'll break up if the person doesn't stop their behaviour, the person with addiction might say that they will do that, but still they continue. It's so deeply programmed into them. It could be something that gave them comfort when they lived in a chaotic place, like abusive home. It gave them a feeling of being in control. Even though it's the other way around.
It takes a lot of time to change the patterns. It's good that you are aware of yours. That's the first step.

I think that what is a big cause for anger management issues is that the abusers still live inside of our minds. Even if we don't physically meet them, they still are there. So then, we might think like them and even act like them. Even when we have sworn never to do that. Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh once talked about this and he suggested that one could try to change the abuser inside of them. Since you can't change the physical version of the abuser, you might try to change the one living inside your mind and your relationship with them. That might help you to change yourself also.
But this can be detrimental and you will need all the support you can get from friends and a therapist. Just the mere thought of your abuser may cause a severe anxiety attack and might make you want to go back to addictions.
One practice that I have found eye-opening is this: if you imagine your abuser as a 5 year old child, can you still hate them? If you imagine them as a frail elderly person on their death bed, do you still fear them?

I'd also like to add that you don't have to do anything. Just like has already been said, you are where you need to be. It's okay to be yourself. You have been through a lot and you can be proud of yourself for wanting to get help. Some people never will. They'd rather die than think about their problems.
Addictions and overcoming them is weird. You can't overcome them by force. That'd just make you stiff. You'd still be addicted but you'd just use a huge amount of energy every single day to stop yourself from relapsing.
Instead acceptance and surrender helps. It makes you flexible and more susceptible to true change.
Tommy Hellsten has written a lot of amazing books on addiction, trauma and abuse if you'd be interested.

I wish you all the best.
 
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If not on meds or if you can get off meds safely. Instead of food try water fasting, then immediately green juice fast a few days after, then reintroduce food with green smoothies etc. The more bitter the better, parasites hate bitter but the body loves it. research how to properly do fasts. I'm currently doing a water fast. I'm on day 4. 3 is the min to activate ketosis. If you break the fast suddenly after entering ketosis you can screw up blood sugar levels and die. It's why you got to slowly build stuff up to reactivate your digestive system. If you do the fast. Do a water enema every other day. at least 3, Bags are amazon. Get some chilled probiotics from wholefoods to keep introducing those back into your system in mornings and night. This is just the general idea. RESEARCH It if you do it. I'm not a doctor etc. I'm thinking it might help with the stored negative energy, parasites, and other stuff that weighs people down. Sugar is poison.
 
I'm not sure about the advice i'm reading above,
for addictions you can't go cold turkey or you've an extremely strong dependency one might one to reduce it gradually a small ammount at a time, but in this is just avoid withdrawl symptoms,
and any harm that may come as a result of withdrawl.

After that it might still take a while before the cravings go away;
Don't worry seriously things will get much better but it might take well over a year to finally overcome some addictions.

Going cold turkey isn't necisarily as bad as people say.
i'm not a medical professional but one wouldn't listen to me more if i were,
not would my advice be all that different.

Basically for any addiction hang in tight you'll overcome it and i'm willing to help anyone who wants to find professional help from dealing with addiction or spellbinding of any type to overcome it;
[provided only the request is sincere and authentic]