Why should married women change their names?

Ansciess

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I agree with the article. I think if it's important to have a "family name," the couple should create a new one.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/mar/07/women-stop-changing-your-name-when-married

(edited)
...I understand, given the social judgment of a sexist culture, why some women would decide that a name change is the path of least resistance.

But that's not what you usually hear. Instead, the defense of the name change is something like, "We want our family to share a name" or "His last name was better" or "My last name was just my dad's anyway" – all reasons that make no sense. If your last name is really your dad's, then no one, including your dad, has a last name that's actually theirs.

It may be the case that in your marriage, he did have a better last name. But if that's really a gender-neutral reason for a name change, you'd think that men with unfortunate last names would change theirs as often as women do. Given that men almost never change their names upon marriage, either there's something weird going on where it just so happens that women got all of the bad last names, or "I changed my name because his is better" is just a convenient and ultimately unconvincing excuse.

...The cultural assumption that women will change their names upon marriage – the assumption that we'll even think about it, and be in a position where we make a "choice" of whether to keep our names or take our husbands' – cannot be without consequence. Part of how our brains function and make sense of a vast and confusing universe is by naming and categorizing. When women see our names as temporary or not really ours, and when we understand that part of being a woman is subsuming your own identity into our husband's, that impacts our perception of ourselves and our role in the world. It lessens the belief that our existence is valuable unto itself, and that as individuals we are already whole. It disassociates us from ourselves, and feeds into a female understanding of self as relational – we are not simply who we are, we are defined by our role as someone's wife or mother or daughter or sister.

...men don't tend to change their names, or even let the thought cross their mind. Men, too, seem to realize that changing one's name has personal and professional consequences. In the internet age, all the work you did under your previous name isn't going to show up in a Google search. A name change means a new driver's license, passport, professional documentation, the works. It means someone trying to track you down – a former client, an old classmate, a co-worker from a few years back with an opportunity you may be interested in – is going to have a tough time finding you. It means lost opportunities personally and professionally.

Of course, there's also power in a name change. Changing your name if, for example, you change your gender presentation makes sense – a new, more authentic name to match the new, more authentic you. But outside of the gender transition context, marriage has long meant a woman giving up her identity, and along with it, her basic rights. Under coverture laws, a woman's legal existence was merged with her husband's: "husband and wife are one," and the one was the husband. Married women had no right to own property or enter into legal contracts. It's only very recently that married women could get their own credit cards. Marital rape remained legal in many states through the 1980s. The idea that a woman retains her own separate identity from her husband, and that a husband doesn't have virtually unlimited power over a woman he marries, is a very new one.

Fortunately, feminists succeeded in shifting the law and the culture of marriage. Today marriages are typically based on love instead of economics. Even conservative couples who still believe a husband should be the head of the household have more egalitarian marriages than previous generations, and are less likely than their parents or grandparents to see things like domestic violence as a private matter or a normal part family life.

Unfortunately, despite all of these gains, the marital name change remains. Even the small number of women who do keep their names after marriage tend to give their children the husband's name. At best there's hyphenation. That's a fair solution, but after many centuries of servitude and inequality, allow me to suggest some gender push-back: Give the kids the woman's last name.

Allow me to suggest an even stronger push: If it's important to you that your family all share a last name, make it the wife's. Yes, men, that means taking your wife's name. Or do what this guy did and invent a new name with your wife. And women, if the man you're set to marry extols the virtues of sharing a family name but won't consider taking yours? Perhaps ask yourself if you should be marrying someone who thinks your identity is fundamentally inferior to his own...
 
Melissa McEwen of shakesville had a really good piece in response to this on why we shouldn't judge women on whether they change their name or not, and judging women on how "feminist" they are isn't helping anyone.

ETA:
1. This conversation tends to treat changing one's name as a zero-sum game.

You either change your name, or you don't. But as I have previously mentioned, I effectively have two names: My professional, public name is my first name + Iain's last name. ...
It's really helpful for me to have two names. I can't have a private online anything anymore under the name Melissa McEwan, but I can under my birth name—which is useful for both practical reasons and psychological reasons, as "Melissa McEwan" gets to feel like a brand sometimes, or the person strangers define to to be, rather than who I actually am.

...
2. Women who have changed their names, and defend themselves against sweeping judgment for their choice, are accused of being defensive and emotional.

First I want to say this: My position would be the same whether I changed my name or whether I didn't. I can't make anyone believe that, if they're not inclined to do so, but there it is. And I take no shame in defending and being emotional about (these are bad things now?) challenging the policing of women's choices. I am defensive and emotional on behalf of women who do not change their names. I am defensive and emotional on behalf of women who do change their names. Because I don't care what choice you make: I care that you do, or don't, have a choice.

...

3. Everyone is an exception.

...
And then someone will pipe up about this circumstance, or that one, or this other one, things like, say, how their professional life in a conservative place could be compromised by openly identifying as feminist by doing something like not changing one's name, and each woman with Her Reason is treated like an exception to some larger group of monolithized women who definitely don't have any good reasons for changing their names, rather than collectively being regarded as evidence that maybe this **** is more complex than Doing It Right or Doing It Wrong.

If only there were an existent framework which competently and confidently makes the argument that women should be trusted to make the best decisions for themselves!
 
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I changed my name when I got married because my original last name was long and difficult to spell. I always had to spell it out for people, usually two or more times, and they'd still often get it wrong. Nearly impossible for someone to get it right over the phone. It was frustrating.

My husband's last name is short and easy to spell. (Though I've gotten it misspelled one or two times.)
 
Melissa McEwen of shakesville had a really good piece in response to this on why we shouldn't judge women on whether they change their name or not, and judging women on how "feminist" they are isn't helping anyone.

We're talking about cultural traditions. If someone feels judged by that, then they need to learn to not take things so personally.

It reminds me of how some mothers in particular are really upset about parenting issues being discussed - breastfeeding, co-sleeping, whatever - they take personal affront as though someone is judging their parenting (maybe so, maybe not) and it's just such an outrageous and terrible thing. If you think you're doing it right, then have the fortitude to stand by it.

I don't think women should change their names. That's my opinion. If someone feels judged by that then they'd best just learn how to claim their own values (instead of freaking out over mine), and get over it.
 
I'd probably keep my last name for my "professional" life. Feeling as I do about my partner, I think I'd like being called Mrs. his-last-name. If marriage isn't emotional then I don't know what is! haha We're not having children so the "family" name isn't an issue.
 
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Well, if you say I don't think women should change their names, you are in effect, framing the issue in a way that judges women.

There are other ways to frame it that don't have the same overtones, such as "I don't think I should change my name, or "here are my reasons against name change", especially if you recognize that those reasons might will not resonate with every other woman that is out there.
 
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I'm hyphenating. Our children will also have a hyphenated last name.

I spent time thinking about it and decided this was best for me and it's what I want to do. Change your name, don't change your name, come up with a new one - just think about what you're doing beforehand and it's cool with me. That's my entire life philosophy, actually. Meh.
 
Well, if you say I don't think women should change their names, you are in effect, framing the issue in a way that judges women.

There are other ways to frame it that don't have the same overtones, such as "I don't think I should change my name, or "here are my reasons against name change", especially if you recognize that those reasons might will not resonate with every other woman that is out there.

I'm not going to say "I" because I'm talking about a cultural issue, not about me personally. That's exactly the problem that I referred to - people (here, women) taking it as a personal affront. If someone chooses to take my opinion about this cultural issue personally or be really upset by it, then that's their choice.
 
But isn't that kinda like saying "I think all women who chose to die their hair superficial (or fill in the blank)!" and then when women who die their hair point out that they aren't, in fact, the silly air heads you think them to be, shouting that "hey, it's just MY OPINION! I can't help it if your feelings are hurt!", without taking the time to examine your own viewpoint and how it might be hurtful?
 
I read and think and stay as informed as I can about feminist issues and it's absolutely impossible to please everyone (look at radfems ffs who believe that all women should become political ******* lesbians) because there is *always* someone telling you you're not doing it right, so I rarely take anything to heart when it comes to sweeping generalisations about what all women should do with their lives. Again, meh.

Why one might choose to change their name should certainly be considered, but there is absolutely no one-size-fits-all answer to such questions.
 
kibbleforlola said:
But isn't that kinda like saying "I think all women who chose to die their hair superficial (or fill in the blank)!" and then when women who die their hair point out that they aren't, in fact, the silly air heads you think them to be, shouting that "hey, it's just MY OPINION! I can't help it if your feelings are hurt!", without taking the time to examine your own viewpoint and how it might be hurtful?

Did I say that individual women who change their last names are horrible people?

I think it's an outmoded and sexist tradition. If you want to do it, knock yourself out, but I'm not in agreement with the tradition.

What do you think about the tradition of genital mutilation? If you say it's harmful, is that disrespecting those women who do it to their children?
 
because there is *always* someone telling you you're not doing it right, so I rarely take anything to heart when it comes to sweeping generalisations about what all women should do with their lives. Again, meh.

I agree - everyone has an opinion - I think it's a hyper-reaction when people things like this so personally.

However, if everything were framed only in the "I" then it's not really addressing the cultural issue. I think if someone doesn't feel something pertains to them, they need to learn to slough it off.
 
I must have been five when I became aware that women change their names when they get married (that's the age I was when my mother married my stepfather and changed her name). I couldn't comprehend it then, and I don't now. I remember that I asked why men didn't change their names when they got married, and didn't get an answer other than "that's the way it's done." I didn't find it satisfactory then, and I still don't. Even at age 5, I knew that the whole name changing tradition said something about the value/importance of women relative to men that I thought was unfair and that I didn't like. And that's way before knowing the historic context of a married woman being her husband's property and having no rights of her own.

I understand that if someone has been abused by her/his father, marriage can offer an easy solution to getting rid of a hated name. (Although it's relatively easy and inexpensive for an adult to legally change her/his name in the U.S.)

But all the other reasons given - we want to have one family name, his name is easier/nicer, etc. - if those were the real reasons, then one would expect that roughly half of all couples would end up taking the wife's surname and half would take the husband's surname. And that's simply not the case. I have met only one man who took his wife's name. She was an only child, and it was important to her family that their name be carried on. Likewise, I'm the only woman I have known personally who did not take her husband's name on marriage.
 
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I've also mentioned in another thread that to me, names are essentially meaningless. I place no tradition or importance on what one's last name is. I am not my name, and changing my last name didn't change who I am. So (again for me) there was no reason not to change my name to something more convenient when I got married.

But this also has the effect that I really don't care what people do with their names. Change it, don't change it, it doesn't really matter at the end of the day.

Edit: I've emphasized that this is my view, as I can see that other people obviously place importance on names. They just don't mean much to me.
 
Well, there are legal and other benefits to marriage. That's part of the push for homosexual marriage.
 
So then maybe women shouldn't get married at all. It's a tradition firmed rooted in patriarchy.

Yep. We can question every decision every woman has ever made ever; because they pretty much all loop back around to patriarchy. But where does that get us?

(p.s., this comes from a woman who will most likely will be getting married soon, and will be keeping her own(or is it my fathers?!?! patriarchy!eleventy!) name)
 
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Again, all this may be true on an individual basis, but obviously not across the board, otherwise roughly half of couples whould choose the wife's name, while half would choose the husband's.

I think it's hard to argue that all of these choices which result in almost all women taking their husband's name upon marriage and virtually no man taking his wife's name occur in a societal vacuum. There's a societal expectation that women will take their husband's name, and most people adhere to that expectation.
 
Well, there are legal and other benefits to marriage. That's part of the push for homosexual marriage.
Not true everywhere.

Like in Canada, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2003 and you have most - perhaps all - all the legal benefits to marriage in a domestic partnership.

So then no women in Canada should get married.