Why Don't Some People Like Charity?

[Amy SF]

This is something I'll never understand. There are people who absolutely flat out refuse charity, even when they desperately need it. They get offers of money, clothes, food, or help with their house or business or whatever. A lot of these people live in the conservative American South. I know pride is a factor, but when their kid is sick and they can't pay a doctor, they still refuse offers of help.

I also know that I live in a country where toughness, resilience, stand on your own two feet and fend for yourself, independence and so on are long-held values that are admired and even held sacred. But again, when you really, desperately need a hand-out and you refuse it, you're only hurting yourself. And possibly your loved ones.

Just my opinion.

 

[Forster]

IDK how I'd react, though there is something to be said about both helping and accepting "charity" when needed that helps build community. When my uncle had a heart attack (many years ago) his neighbors all pulled together and harvested his crops. There was never any question that they'd do this as it is what neighbors do (very small community). I know he's always helped his neighbors as well. It's nice that people look out for each other and as often as not by accepting others help you are giving a spiritual "gift" to them as well.

 

[ledboots]

Pride. I think they are ashamed at not being able to take care of themselves. My grandmother told me about hard times during the great depression when they had to accept free food from the government. When my grandfather was able to make some money, she went down and paid it all back. She had written down everything they had been given, and figured out about how much it cost, went down there and gave them the money.

New England stubborn pride, but she said a wave of relief washed over her. (Watertown, Massacusetts.)

 

[SuicideBlonde]

Spoiler

Off topic, but I keep wanting to say "Because Charity is a *****." When I read this title.

 

[Amy SF]

I also admit that people who refuse charity don't want to be beholden to anyone else, but again, I think they shoot themselves in the foot when they really do need the help.

And Melly, take it to the chat thread!

 

[SummerRain]

I can see both sides of the argument. I think there's a balance really, being too proud can be foolhardy, and can hurt yourself and your loved ones. Being too quick to accept/ask for help and handouts, isn't a very nice trait. I know family that seem to have no pride in that respect, that will ask to "borrow" money, promising they'll pay it back, knowing they never will, from their family, and spent it on frivolous things. So I can understand people not wanting to be seen like this, wanting to be seen as independent and able to take care of themselves. It's just sad when people think that includes any help, even when they need it, I think.

 

[KLS52]

I agree it's probably pride. It's pretty humiliating, depending on the circumstances. It's way easier for me to give help to others when they need it, but a whole other story when I have to be on the receiving end.
Back in 1989 my husband's business went under and we were in pretty bad shape, financially. I used find bags of groceries in my car from unknown benefactors. I also had a friend who was very wealthy and gave me hundreds of dollars in my birthday card when, normally, we didn't even exchange gifts.
The private school my kids were attending waived the tuition two years in a row in exchange for volunteer work, which I would have done anyway, so that was no sacrifice on my part. I did turn down the chance for my daughter to go on a class trip to Washington, D.C. for free, though. I felt like if we couldn't afford to pay, then she needed to learn the lesson that sometimes we have to say no to things if we don't have the money for it. She resented me for awhile and I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision, in that regard. But she got over it.
It can be really hard to accept charity...it makes you feel so small and worthless when you don't have enough money to pay your bills or buy food.

 

[Forster]

It can be really hard to accept charity...it makes you feel so small and worthless when you don't have enough money to pay your bills or buy food.

This is true, which is why "paying it back" when you are able can help with those feelings... you've been there and now you can feel better by helping someone else in need.

 

[das_nut]

It's the social debt that's incurred, as well as having to mentally accept you're in a position where you're part of the class that's surviving on handouts.

That's hard for a lot of people.

 

[mlp]

It's the social debt that's incurred, as well as having to mentally accept you're in a position where you're part of the class that's surviving on handouts.

That's hard for a lot of people.

Agreed.

But I think it goes even deeper than that.

It's built into us, from an evolutionary standpoint, to be able to take care of oneself - it's a trait that was necessary in order to survive. (Not so long ago, those who couldn't take care of themselves made the entire group vulnerable.) That drive toward individual identity and self reliance is what lies at the heart of the terrible twos and threes, and then again in adolescence. And then, as one slides into old age, it's frustrating and depressing to lose one's independence and ability to rely on oneself, bit by bit.

There are a lot of people who find it much easier to give than to receive, on many different levels and in many ways.

 

[Wolfie]

Pride. I think they are ashamed at not being able to take care of themselves. My grandmother told me about hard times during the great depression when they had to accept free food from the government. When my grandfather was able to make some money, she went down and paid it all back. She had written down everything they had been given, and figured out about how much it cost, went down there and gave them the money.

New England stubborn pride, but she said a wave of relief washed over her. (Watertown, Massacusetts.)

We need more of this today, instead of the sense of entitlement that prevails.

 

[beancounter]

We need more of this today, instead of the sense of entitlement that prevails.

That's very easy to say until you become unemployed, and don't have parents or friends to fall back on. As you are frantically searching for a job, as you watch your savings evaporate.

There is a difference between needing temporary help and the so called welfare queens on permanent assistance. Labeling everyone who can't get a job as feeling entitled to assistance is just plain inaccurate.

 

[Amy SF]

That's very easy to say until you become unemployed, and don't have parents or friends to fall back on. as you are frantically searching for a job, as you watch your savings evaporate.

There is a difference between needed temporary help and the so call welfare queens on permanent assistance. Labeling everyone who can't get a job as feeling entitled to assistance is just plane inaccurate.

Thank you. This is what I'm going through right now. I'm unemployed and have very little money left. I've been advised to apply for unemployment insurance and food stamps. I hate the idea of needing food stamps, but if they allow me to eat...

 

[ledboots]

Thank you. This is what I'm going through right now. I'm unemployed and have very little money left. I've been advised to apply for unemployment insurance and food stamps. I hate the idea of needing food stamps, but if they allow me to eat...

Amy, I think you should apply right now for both, and for medicaid if you don't have health insurance. That is what it is there for, you can't spend your savings on food. When you get a job, you won't need them anymore.

 

[Wolfie]

That's very easy to say until you become unemployed, and don't have parents or friends to fall back on. as you are frantically searching for a job, as you watch your savings evaporate.

There is a difference between needed temporary help and the so call welfare queens on permanent assistance. Labeling everyone who can't get a job as feeling entitled to assistance is just plane inaccurate.

First, you know NOTHING about my life.
Second, I was referring to those with the welfare queen mentality. I did not say everyone needing assistance has that mentality. I guess I should have said "the sense of entitlement that prevails in some people." It would have been more clear. I just think it's refreshing to hear of ledboot's grandmother's mentalilty. Reminds me of stories my dad told.

 

[Wolfie]

Thank you. This is what I'm going through right now. I'm unemployed and have very little money left. I've been advised to apply for unemployment insurance and food stamps. I hate the idea of needing food stamps, but if they allow me to eat...

Definitely apply. And I do hope things are different in California than they are in my state, where any type of assistance is difficult to get if you did not reproduce.

 

[Second Summer]

I would think it's probably easier mentally to accept unemployment benefits in welfare-state countries where you're paying a significant amount of taxes. The taxes are a kind of unemployment insurance policy pool meant to help everyone that might luck out in the job market.

 

[beancounter]

Thank you. This is what I'm going through right now. I'm unemployed and have very little money left. I've been advised to apply for unemployment insurance and food stamps. I hate the idea of needing food stamps, but if they allow me to eat...

Yes, as others have said, apply now. The rules differ in each state, but the process can often take a while to "get in gear".

 

[kibbleforlola]

Are will STILL repeating the welfare queen myth? :eyeroll:

 

[beancounter]

Are will STILL repeating the welfare queen myth? :eyeroll:

Yea, I am so tired of people painting the unemployed as lazy and on drugs...yes seriously, a politician actually said that...

The same politicians who wrote the rules that allowed the "stage to be set" for abuses committed by the financial industry, that ultimately lead to the current economic conditions.

A couple of months ago, my local NPR station did a segment on a firebrand Republican who lost his job and was having a hard time finding another. He admitted to finally understanding what other people were going through.

Karma at its best...