What We Say to Our Pets (and what they say back to us)

[Amy SF]

To my cats:

Me: Bear! Stop walking on my laptop!

Bear: Why not? It's right there in front of me. I have to walk somewhere.

Me: Sabrina, the cup of water is sitting right there on the counter next to you. I don't have to hold it over the bathroom sink for you to drink from.

Sabrina: Humor me. I like to pretend the water tastes better when you're holding it for me.

Me: Misty! You're sitting on my magazine and I was reading that!

Misty: No, *****. Pay attention to ME for a change.

 

[KLS52]

Lately it's, "no climbing! No climbing! No climbing!"

By the looks of the marks on my legs I'm sure they are saying, "whatever..."

 

[Muggle]

Me: don't jump on the sofa
Me: don't jump on me
Me: don't punch me in the boobs
Me: stop trying to stick your tongue in my mouth (tip: it's best not to open your mouth when this is happening)
Me: come in from the garden
Me: stop pulling, stop making silly noises, those birds can fly, you won't catch them.
Me: stop trying to get into my bedroom. It's 3am, go to sleep!

Monster: **** you. I'll do whatever the **** I want. Stupid human.

Me: No

Labrador: what? I did something wrong! The whole world has collapsed! I shall grovel at your feet looking pitiful until you give me 10 minutes of fuss and reassure me that all is well in the world

 

[Chryssie]

Screamer: FEED ME!! The bowls are almost EMPTY!! I AM STARVING TO DEATH!!
Me: The bowls are half full. Deal with it.
Screamer: The food near the bottom of the bowl SUCKS!!! FILL IT TO THE TOP NOW!!
Me: Ok ok, big fat bully!

 

[Moll Flanders]

Me - I think I will place my clothes onto the bed ready for when I get out of the shower.
My cats - Thanks Mum, you got us something new to sleep on.

Me: don't punch me in the boobs

I often sleep with my arms crossed so I don't get hurt when Molly decides to dive onto my breasts in the night.

 

[Muggle]

I often sleep with my arms crossed so I don't get hurt when Molly decides to dive onto my breasts in the night.

Oh this isn't when I sleep. She's not allowed in my bedroom*, this is everywhere else. She's managed to perfect leaping up, all four paws off the floor, and punching my boobs whilst also trying to lick my nose/mouth.


*I actually let her come into my room and sleep on my bed one evening last week. She is now permanently banned from being in here. She did sleep but she woke up, jumped off the bed and decided to investigate my room. I thought it would be OK, the only important stuff in here are all my books and she's never bothered about the books that are in the lounge.
Yeah...... She decided she wanted to have a nibble on one of my books. But this is just how much of a monster she is. Out of the 500+ books in this room, she nibbled on one of the 5 books I have which are signed by the author.
She's a demon!

 

[FortyTwo]

I have this one cat who is RELENTLESSLY skittish and is afraid of everything for no reason (and no, thankfully she didn't endure abuse or anything, this is just part of her personality). She will basically take up space that you need her to not be taking up, and then when you try to walk by she'll get all nervous and attack you.

Here's a typical conversation when I'm leaving the bathroom.

ME: Uh, hi, kitty.
CAT: MROW!
ME: Can we not do this tonight?
CAT: ...
ME: *reaches down and cautiously pets cat*
CAT: *looks at my hand like it's a medieval torture device*
ME: Dude, I'm petting you.
CAT: *allows self to be petted*
ME: Okay, now, can you move?
CAT: MROW.
ME: *moving arms* Pshpshpsh!
CAT: *firmly planted to the ground*

Can't pick up the cat because she'd just attack. Usually I just get the catnip and lure her away from where I need to be but sometimes she's blocking my path so entirely that I can't even get to the catnip.

 

[Amy SF]

I have this one cat who is RELENTLESSLY skittish and is afraid of everything for no reason (and no, thankfully she didn't endure abuse or anything, this is just part of her personality). She will basically take up space that you need her to not be taking up, and then when you try to walk by she'll get all nervous and attack you.

Here's a typical conversation when I'm leaving the bathroom.

ME: Uh, hi, kitty.
CAT: MROW!
ME: Can we not do this tonight?
CAT: ...
ME: *reaches down and cautiously pets cat*
CAT: *looks at my hand like it's a medieval torture device*
ME: Dude, I'm petting you.
CAT: *allows self to be petted*
ME: Okay, now, can you move?
CAT: MROW.
ME: *moving arms* Pshpshpsh!
CAT: *firmly planted to the ground*

Can't pick up the cat because she'd just attack. Usually I just get the catnip and lure her away from where I need to be but sometimes she's blocking my path so entirely that I can't even get to the catnip.

Maybe you should get Jackson Galaxy to come in and help your cat get some confidence.

This is one badass dude - and knows cats like nobody's business.

 

[KLS52]

I love him so much.

 

[Poppy]

Cowboy: YOU STAY AWAY FROM THIS YARD YOU AWFUL NEIGHBORS!!! YOU"LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME IF YOU GET ANY CLOSER!!!

Me: COWBOY! STOP BARKING!

Cowboy: Ha! Scared'em again.

 

[PTree15]

Me (while talking on the phone): Theo, get off the stereo...Theo, no clawing the couch...Theo, DO NOT CLAW THE SCREEN.
Theo: Get off the damn phone, gasbag, and fricken PLAY with me already.

Theo: Um, when are you going to change the water today? How many pieces of food do I have to put in there for you to notice?
Me: WTF is up with the pieces of food in the water? I just changed it this morning.

Theo (running wildly in the living room, down the hall, in the kitchen): THERE'S A TINY PIECE OF MY SH*T IN MY BOX. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GO IN THERE WHEN IT'S NOT PRISTINE? I DON'T WANT TO STEP IN MY OWN SH*T, OKAY? SO CLEAN IT...NOW!!!

 

[Amy SF]

Me: Sabrina, you're sitting on my mouse cord!

Sabrina: Your fault for not using a wireless mouse.

 

[Muggle]

This sort of belongs here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dog_how_see

 

[Envy]

Me - Hey, c'more lil' kitty, I wanna stroke your back.

The cat - I ain't in the petting mood right now, so kindly **** off.

 

[Dedalus]

Boon: Reading comic books again?
Me: They're called graphic novels. I am reading a graphic novel.
Boon: A clever nomenclature adult humans use when referring to comic books.
Me: What's wrong with The Sandman? It's intellectually stimulating.
Boon: Story-telling by way of picture-books often inhibits the imagination. Why not let the flow of words alone illustrate the story in your mind? One may have a completely different interpretation of a given set of circumstances than the one visually outlined for them.
Me: Graphic novels are stories enhanced with often brilliant artwork - to produce a visually appealing source of entertainment.
Boon: 'Visually appealing?' Isn't that your excuse for watching 'Modern Family' - "Aye Sofia...Sofia..."
Me: Very funny.
Boon: I'm just saying - you need to get back to the Classics. Proust is just sitting on the shelf gathering dust. Finnegan's Wake - let's face it, I'll be at your wake long before you crack that one open.
Me: That's harsh, Boon. May I ask what has inspired this carefully articulated argument of yours?
Boon: Well you haven't thrown that fuzzy wuzzy ball across the room in a while....here I am, just a cat with his thoughts, sitting next to an inanimate, pink, fuzzy wuzzy ball.

 

[Moll Flanders]

Maybe you should get Jackson Galaxy to come in and help your cat get some confidence.

This is one badass dude - and knows cats like nobody's business.

My brother told me about that show.

 

[Forster]

Me: Dad's home.

Dogs: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!... Daddy's HOME!!!!!

 

[Forster]

Dogs: Are you going to eat that... if not can I have it?
Me: Yes I'm going to eat that, but you can lick my plate when I'm done.

Dogs: Is it popcorn time yet?
Me: It's always popcorn time.

Me: Can I have my spot in the bed now?
Dogs: Your spot?!?! No but you can have my spot... I warmed it up for you... can I have a scratch now?

 

[KLS52]

Lol...Boon is awesome!

 

[KLS52]

Me: So, Bratt and Joon...you guys are officially my family now! Isn't that great! Aren't you excited?!?!?

Them: muahahaha, sucker. Now we can start to show our true colors. We were being all nice and sweet and cuddly (well except for the going in the refrigerator, and knocking down your stuff) to hook you and reel you in. Now the real fun begins!