Struggling to be accepting of non-vegan friends and family

[chickenmammalove]

I've been vegan for a little over a year (in other words, not very long); yet, it seems the longer I'm vegan, the harder I find it to be around those who aren't. I live with non-vegans and can't stand the smell of cooking meat. I don't even like to use the same pan or utensils that the meat or eggs have touched. When I see dead animal flesh, I completely lose my appetite and often feel like crying. I often feel angry towards close friends and relatives who continue to support animal agriculture even though they profess to be animal lovers.

I worry that my passion for veganism is driving a wedge between myself and those who don't see ethics from my point of view. Honestly, I don't want to feel this way. It was much easier before I went vegan and had no ethical concern for other peoples' life decisions; but now, every time a friend says she just feels "better on animal protein," or a relative wants to cook bacon in the home we share, I feel a tremendous surge of grief and anger. I do my best to be respectful. I don't lecture them or attempt to try to turn them vegan by any other means. However, I'm sure they can sense my judgement, which probably makes them feel defensive.

Sometimes, I worry that my feelings and subsequent actions are extreme. I'm sure they are viewed as such by most people, anyway. Then again, most people think animal agriculture is normal, whereas I view it as extreme. I would love to be one of those approachable, non-judgemental vegans who was completely content to do her part and hope that her example would be enough. Rationally, I think that is a far better approach. But whenever I see bacon, I see a pig - a sweet, intelligent creature - and I hear his screams as he's killed for his flesh. When I see cheese, I see a vulnerable calf being ripped away from his mother; I hear their cries. When I see an omellette, I see helpless newborn chicks being ground alive. And then I look at the person who's supporting these brutal, merciless acts - the person who doesn't want to hear the truth, who lives in hypocracy simply for their own pleasure or convenience - and I find it so difficult to be accepting and non-judgemental.

Has anyone here ever been in a similar position? If so, how have you coped? How do you foster fruitful relationships with your non-vegan friends and family? Thank you for any advice you can offer.

 

[Jamie in Chile]

I can totally relate to this except perhaps not quite as strongly but it still felt that you were describing how I feel. I don't think there is an easy solution to this. I suggest you try and persuade them to take steady baby steps, but be prepared to back off as well.

Some vegans report feeling more angry in the first year, and this is especially likely given your age. There is a chance you will naturally come to feel about it in a more balanced and less judgy way over time, and this will pass. However, there is just as much of a chance that this will never happen and you'll always feel that way.

Either way, you can afford to give it some time and see what happens.

Totally feel your pain, but don't have a great solution, sorry about that. Maybe someone else does!

 

[Lou]

I know what you are talking about and have experienced similar feelings. But not to the extent that you are reporting.

Coleen Patrick Goudreau and Dr. Melanie Joy's writings were really helpful to me when transforming into a vegan.

Both women cover a lot of topics but they both cover the issues you are dealing with. Unfortunately, I can't point you to anything specifically. Well not right now anyway.

Both women have written books but I think I would recommend Joy's books over Goudreau's in this instance. Goudreau has a podcast station and her podcasts have titles and descriptions. I pretty much listened to them all in chronological order but I bet you could cherry pick a few. Joy has been interviewed by many vegan podcasters. So a quick search in iTunes should find you a few of those.

They both have several YouTube videos. A search in YouTube should find a few good examples.

Joy has some good but long lectures on YouTube. this is a good example of her - and it's short
Beyond Carnism

And this is one of my favorite essays by Goudreau.

Care2 is the world's largest social network for good, a community of over 40 million people standing together, starting petitions and sharing stories that inspire action.

Hope this helps.

 

[Blissful]

Hello there , this will take some inner work , ok ? I have been a vegan for 42 years , and in my teens and twenties , l was very much like you .. It just about drove me insane - literally ..

The first thing to realise is this - in this moment Now - right now , when you are having those thoughts , is that helping animals ? Of course , it's not . Your lifestyle is helping them , but your painful thoughts are not .
So , to help yourself , you must train your mind - or really , re-train it ..
All mental suffering comes from thoughts , and the stories our minds tell us with those thoughts .

So , the idea is to notice the moment one of those painful thoughts begin - then deliberately and consciously distract yourself from it .. You could try some mental mantras - reciting reminders to yourself , either silently (when with others) or out loud , can be very helpful .. Here are some examples -
"I Am Peaceful" , or " I Am Pure love " , or " I Am Powerfully Positive " ... or make up your own , ok ? Whatever your mantra is , make it positive ..

This will take time , but it is important to always and quickly replace the unwanted thoughts with chosen ones .. What you focus on is what you become - this is a vital bit of wisdom .. I repeat it - what you focus on is what you become .. Focus on misery and suffering , and that is what you become .

You can never change others , unless they are willing , and you it's not appropriate to impose your views on them , any more than it is for them to impose their views on you .. They are brainwashed into believing that animals are a "normal" part of the human diet , and are there to use for any human purpose .. You are blessed to have risen above that brainwashing , and it is a beautiful thing .. But you must find a way to live your Truth without allowing yourself to be made miserable by the rest of the world .. Being miserable and angry and judgemental does not help anyone , and only adds that unhappy energy to the world .. It has enough already .

I do suggest , however , that you change your living arrangements .. Can you try to find some other vegans , or at least vegetarians , to share a house or apartment with ? You could advertise .. Living your Truth will be far more peaceful if you are surrounded by like-hearted people . Notice l said "like-hearted" , not "like-minded" ?

Our minds are useful tools , but only when we are master of them - otherwise they like to keep us in too much thought .. Thoughts are not who we are , ultimately .. Our true nature lies in our heart-feelings ..
Our thoughts are energy , and they send out energy that attracts certain energy back to us .. One of the deepest spiritual Truths is the wisdom of mastering our minds .. If we wish to live from our hearts and be peaceful and joyful , that is an important step to take ..
It is no good arguing with what is - the facts are that most people eat and use animals .. All we can do is make ourselves as peaceful and loving and joyful as possible , then dwell in our Truth .. Be that .. Share your message with those that ask , and that's all you can do ..
There are some fantastic books around about how to re-train or re-program your mind .. Here is one for you to start with - it is called " Before You Think Another Thought" by Bruce Doyle the 3rd .. Please give it a try - this could be life-changing for you ..

The only thing you can ever truly do about painful emotions is to change your response or perspective from the inside - You can never win by judging and resisting the outer world .. I hope this makes sense to you ..

I promise you - you can find a beautiful peace and joy , while living your Truth in this world .. It doesn't mean you don't care about what's going on , it just means you can move on in your life , functional and emanating lovely energy out to all beings ..

Being the change you wish to see in the world is a beautiful practice - but you must find the path to your inner peace for this to be effective .
Be patient with yourself , and commit yourself to this practice , and you are heading for a superb freedom and mastery ..

Wishing you joy and peace and mastery , love from Blissful xxoo

 

[chickenmammalove]

Hello there , this will take some inner work , ok ? I have been a vegan for 42 years , and in my teens and twenties , l was very much like you .. It just about drove me insane - literally ..

The first thing to realise is this - in this moment Now - right now , when you are having those thoughts , is that helping animals ? Of course , it's not . Your lifestyle is helping them , but your painful thoughts are not .
So , to help yourself , you must train your mind - or really , re-train it ..
All mental suffering comes from thoughts , and the stories our minds tell us with those thoughts .

So , the idea is to notice the moment one of those painful thoughts begin - then deliberately and consciously distract yourself from it .. You could try some mental mantras - reciting reminders to yourself , either silently (when with others) or out loud , can be very helpful .. Here are some examples -
"I Am Peaceful" , or " I Am Pure love " , or " I Am Powerfully Positive " ... or make up your own , ok ? Whatever your mantra is , make it positive ..

This will take time , but it is important to always and quickly replace the unwanted thoughts with chosen ones .. What you focus on is what you become - this is a vital bit of wisdom .. I repeat it - what you focus on is what you become .. Focus on misery and suffering , and that is what you become .

You can never change others , unless they are willing , and you it's not appropriate to impose your views on them , any more than it is for them to impose their views on you .. They are brainwashed into believing that animals are a "normal" part of the human diet , and are there to use for any human purpose .. You are blessed to have risen above that brainwashing , and it is a beautiful thing .. But you must find a way to live your Truth without allowing yourself to be made miserable by the rest of the world .. Being miserable and angry and judgemental does not help anyone , and only adds that unhappy energy to the world .. It has enough already .

I do suggest , however , that you change your living arrangements .. Can you try to find some other vegans , or at least vegetarians , to share a house or apartment with ? You could advertise .. Living your Truth will be far more peaceful if you are surrounded by like-hearted people . Notice l said "like-hearted" , not "like-minded" ?

Our minds are useful tools , but only when we are master of them - otherwise they like to keep us in too much thought .. Thoughts are not who we are , ultimately .. Our true nature lies in our heart-feelings ..
Our thoughts are energy , and they send out energy that attracts certain energy back to us .. One of the deepest spiritual Truths is the wisdom of mastering our minds .. If we wish to live from our hearts and be peaceful and joyful , that is an important step to take ..
It is no good arguing with what is - the facts are that most people eat and use animals .. All we can do is make ourselves as peaceful and loving and joyful as possible , then dwell in our Truth .. Be that .. Share your message with those that ask , and that's all you can do ..
There are some fantastic books around about how to re-train or re-program your mind .. Here is one for you to start with - it is called " Before You Think Another Thought" by Bruce Doyle the 3rd .. Please give it a try - this could be life-changing for you ..

The only thing you can ever truly do about painful emotions is to change your response or perspective from the inside - You can never win by judging and resisting the outer world .. I hope this makes sense to you ..

I promise you - you can find a beautiful peace and joy , while living your Truth in this world .. It doesn't mean you don't care about what's going on , it just means you can move on in your life , functional and emanating lovely energy out to all beings ..

Being the change you wish to see in the world is a beautiful practice - but you must find the path to your inner peace for this to be effective .
Be patient with yourself , and commit yourself to this practice , and you are heading for a superb freedom and mastery ..

Wishing you joy and peace and mastery , love from Blissful xxoo

Thanks very much for this advice. I'll be trying it, especially the positive mantras. Unfortunately, it isn't an option for me to move out right now, nor is it possible for me to request my flatmates to be vegan at home (eggs and milk especially are staples for them), but I'll try re-training my thoughts in those moments. It's hardest for me at home. And the people I find it most upsetting to see eating animal products are those whom I love most, so it's definitely an emotional thing.

 

[TofuRobot]

Thanks very much for this advice. I'll be trying it, especially the positive mantras. Unfortunately, it isn't an option for me to move out right now, nor is it possible for me to request my flatmates to be vegan at home (eggs and milk especially are staples for them), but I'll try re-training my thoughts in those moments. It's hardest for me at home. And the people I find it most upsetting to see eating animal products are those whom I love most, so it's definitely an emotional thing.

If you can't permanently separate yourself with your flatmates, I would try to separate yourself whenever it's necessary - at the very least, leave the room when they're cooking. I know this isn't ideal - you shouldn't have to feel put out in your own home - but if in a given moment, that's the only option, that's what I'd be forced to do. At the time time, I'd express my honest feelings with them as much as possible without barating them constantly, but I would regularly let it be known how it makes me feel - physically and emotionally. "I'm just being honest," I'd say. If you don't tell them how you feel, you cannot expect them to know. They may not understand, but on some level, they have to at least respect your feelings. Who knows, maybe over time they'll start making small efforts to avoiding making you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes people are just clueless and you have got to spell it out for them or it will just never occur to them.

Now, if they show no respect for you as a human being and a fellow flatmate, then I would start seriously planning my exit. Life is too short to spend it living with people who lack basic human respect for other people's feelings.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. I honestly struggle with these feelings as well. I just try to breathe, take things slowly with people, and look for small opportunities to "toss a crumb" their way. People often remember those "crumbs" of info left by friends and acquaintances - I know I do/have. Every once in a while, people will stop and think. Some of those people will shift their thinking. May not be for years, but it can and does happen. Sometimes it happens overnight. You just never know.

Random example: I hardly ever bring up that I'm vegan to anyone, unless there's a reason to. Today, I picked up some chocolate on my lunch hour... Randomly thought to share some of it with a co-worker who has been very supportive of me on numerous occasions... We then started having a convo about chocolate - and I mentioned that it was organic & free trade... Then I said that I never really liked dark chocolate but it's the only chocolate that really exists that's vegan, and that this was really good... ...And, that was it. We continued to talk about chocolate. (I honestly don't think he had a clue whether I was vegan or not. He probably never once thought about it.) Those kinds of interactions make me feel better - when I have a chance to drop it into a conversation in a non-threatening way. I just think the more it's mentioned as if it's totally normal (like it *should* be!), the better. I hope that makes sense.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful or not. If not, I'll send you a virtual ((((((hug))))))

 

[chickenmammalove]

If you can't permanently separate yourself with your flatmates, I would try to separate yourself whenever it's necessary - at the very least, leave the room when they're cooking. I know this isn't ideal - you shouldn't have to feel put out in your own home - but if in a given moment, that's the only option, that's what I'd be forced to do. At the time time, I'd express my honest feelings with them as much as possible without barating them constantly, but I would regularly let it be known how it makes me feel - physically and emotionally. "I'm just being honest," I'd say. If you don't tell them how you feel, you cannot expect them to know. They may not understand, but on some level, they have to at least respect your feelings. Who knows, maybe over time they'll start making small efforts to avoiding making you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes people are just clueless and you have got to spell it out for them or it will just never occur to them.

Now, if they show no respect for you as a human being and a fellow flatmate, then I would start seriously planning my exit. Life is too short to spend it living with people who lack basic human respect for other people's feelings.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. I honestly struggle with these feelings as well. I just try to breathe, take things slowly with people, and look for small opportunities to "toss a crumb" their way. People often remember those "crumbs" of info left by friends and acquaintances - I know I do/have. Every once in a while, people will stop and think. Some of those people will shift their thinking. May not be for years, but it can and does happen. Sometimes it happens overnight. You just never know.

Random example: I hardly ever bring up that I'm vegan to anyone, unless there's a reason to. Today, I picked up some chocolate on my lunch hour... Randomly thought to share some of it with a co-worker who has been very supportive of me on numerous occasions... We then started having a convo about chocolate - and I mentioned that it was organic & free trade... Then I said that I never really liked dark chocolate but it's the only chocolate that really exists that's vegan, and that this was really good... ...And, that was it. We continued to talk about chocolate. (I honestly don't think he had a clue whether I was vegan or not. He probably never once thought about it.) Those kinds of interactions make me feel better - when I have a chance to drop it into a conversation in a non-threatening way. I just think the more it's mentioned as if it's totally normal (like it *should* be!), the better. I hope that makes sense.

I'm not sure if any of that is helpful or not. If not, I'll send you a virtual ((((((hug))))))

I hold a similar stance when conveying the vegan message. I never broadcast it and only ever answer genuine questions when asked. I find it pretty easy to talk about vegansim in a non-confrontational way when with colleagues, aquantances, and friends. It's more when I'm with close friends, family, and children that I start to feel really upset, and in those circumstances it's harder for me to separate the person I love from the choices they make (or make for those who are ignorant and have little choice, such as young children).

If someone cooks meat or eggs in my home, I always leave the room. I can't stand the smell (it's as bad as cigarette smoke). They know I don't like it, they know it makes me feel upset, and they are fairly respectful of my boundaries. I think if they were to truly understand how them eating animal products makes me feel, they would be vegan themselves. The only reason they're able to enjoy animal flesh, eggs, and milk is because of the cognitive dissonance they work so hard to uphold. They're not bad people, nor do they hate animals. They just live within society's well built framework of cognitive dissonance. I know someone who donates money to a pig sanctuary...and eats bacon.

 

[Thabo]

I feel what you are going through and do not worry it happens to about 90% of vegans when they start off the plant based eating.

Just like a child who is learning to walk it will be something you get use to overtime.
The most important thing is to always look at your way of eating as a direction you have preferred to live and people will start aligning themselves with you.

The first step in dealing with this is trying to associate a lot with people in the same mission as you, so I well done for taking the step to join this community which is like you.

This will help keep on track and less emotional. Trust me associations especially physical can go a long way.

 

[Blissful]

If you want peace of mind , you have to let go of the idea that you can change your loved ones .. ( unless they seek that)
If you want peace of mind , you have to let go of the idea that it is your job to change or influence them ..
It is your job to work on your own growth and be the best person you can be ..

You can only walk your own path , and they can only walk theirs .. They have to do their own growing , and make their own choices , just like you . We can never drag anyone else onto our path - they must find their own way on their own path ..

For inner peace , you must let go .. If you are living your Truth , and others see that and wish to emulate that , wonderful .. But if you are emotionally attached to that outcome , it will cause you inner emotional disturbance .. This is a vital bit of wisdom to adopt if you wish to have inner peace and joy.

Your life is not about focusing on what you see as "flaws" in other's lifestyles - l know a lot of people do this , but have a good look at those who do - are they happy ? Calm ? Peaceful and joyful ?

I honor your choices and your Inner Truth , but you won't find peace if you can not come to a space of acceptance of your loved one's choices .. You have had the revelation which led you to veganism - but they haven't yet , and they might not within this lifetime ..

Just love them unconditionally , regardless .. Focus on your own inner peace , and that will expand ..Once you are this amazingly peaceful , joyful presence , others will notice that , and they may just ask you about it .. Then that becomes an opportunity to share your journey , which includes your veganism ..

Acceptance , letting go , and non-attachment to outcomes .. These are 3 bits of wisdom which will lead you to an amazing inner freedom - which will enable you to live your life in the most beautifully positive way ..

Wishing you many blessings and much love , from Blissful xxoo

 

[Elminster]

I sympathize with you as well - no one in my family is vegan or even vegetarian. I do most of the cooking, which helps, but even when I cook sometimes they want to include animal products. The other night I made burrito bowls, all vegan, and my daughter walks in the door with a rotisserie chicken. Grrrr...
It just seems egregious to me - no need for the meat as the dinner tastes great like it is.
I wish I had better advice than what’s been given, but I don’t. Sometimes you have to grin and bear it.