Should children always come first?

Ann Chovie

Ploughing my own furrow
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Should your child's happiness always come before your own?

If you need to choose to forfeit something or more importantly someone that makes you happy to keep them from being unhappy should you always chose in their favour?

And is it wrong to risk them being temporarily miserable if the end result is your future happiness?

Is it wrong to feel resentful of the sacrifices and compromises we make everyday just because " that's what parents do "
 
As a parent of three adult children, I'd say it really depends on the situation. I think it is a parent's obligation to maybe be self-sacrificing when it comes to a child's well being. Happiness is too subjective. If something is going to make you happy and cause them to be temporarily unhappy but result in something that will be to their future benefit, I'd say that would be ok. It's hard to say without an example.
 
For the most part, yes.
Should you give up a person who makes you happy, but not them? It would depend on their ages and the reasons they don't like the person. If they're pretty young and don't like the shared attention, I would say the kids come first. You could always see the person when the kids are sleep or at school (if school age), but when they're young, they need and deserve a lot of attention. It would be different if the kids are adults and out on their own.

eta: It's normal to feel resentment towards something you see as standing in the way of your happiness. You just have to be careful not to take it out on the kids.
 
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For the most part, yes.
Should you give up a person who makes you happy, but not them? It would depend on their ages and the reasons they don't like the person. If they're pretty young and don't like the shared attention, I would say the kids come first. You could always see the person when the kids are sleep or at school (if school age), but when they're young, they need and deserve a lot of attention. It would be different if the kids are adults and out on their own.

eta: It's normal to feel resentment towards something you see as standing in the way of your happiness. You just have to be careful not to take it out on the kids.

I think it is easier to be less resentful when the child are young and they have no ability to understand the significance of what is happening and you are not able to discuss it at the level that is needed. Also the practical considerations are different when children are small. They will remain with you for a considerable number of years so their happiness will need to be considered in light of this. Also, temporary sneaking outs and weekends away are ok if children are older and it will be a matter of time before they leave but with young children this would not present a long term solution. Smaller children have very home centred lives too and it is important that they feel happy and secure in it to nuture and grow.

BUT in the case of teenage or grown up children it is different. And much harder not to take it out on them.

They are older and more capable of reasoning that their parent needs a partner to make them happy and should be sacraficing in their own right to allow this to happen. Also they have active lives of their own, usually involving trying to find the one that makes them happy so the home base issue is not so relevant as they spend less time there. They should also-having become adults themselves- learnt that sacrifice works both ways and that as a mark of respect for the things you have compromised and sacarificed in the past they should sacarifice their own happiness temporarily for the sake of the your permanent happiness.

Of course it depends what makes them unhappy about the situation and whether you have shown them the respect to listen to their concerns and alter the situation as far as you can.


I think the frustration can often spill over into resentment of children who appear to be standing in the way of your happiness if they are older children, maybe teenagers. O
If the situation is that a person makes you happy but makes your children unhappy while they are still young it is one situation
 
As a parent of three adult children, I'd say it really depends on the situation. I think it is a parent's obligation to maybe be self-sacrificing when it comes to a child's well being. Happiness is too subjective. If something is going to make you happy and cause them to be temporarily unhappy but result in something that will be to their future benefit, I'd say that would be ok. It's hard to say without an example.

Is it important that it is for their future benefit if they are already adults themselves?

Although ideally everyone would like that to be the case, if they are already forming independant lives of their own does that neccessary have to be the criteria?

If you have spent your whole life putting them first and sacraficing for them is it not time -now that they are adult and matured- to put yourself first as long as they are not harmed or distressed?
 
DISCLAIMER: I dont have kids. I do know what having miserable parents can be like though :p

Anyway I say that a lot of the time, unhappiness rubs off on the kids. People think they hide it well but idk kids might pick something up.

It would all depend on the situation, I dont think there's a black and white answer. If you prefer to spend your money on designer handbags than food, then yes your happiness comes second. I dont think a person should have to give up their whole identity and just turn into "parent" when they have a kid.

If there was a certain person making the kid unhappy, I'd look very carefully at WHY the kid is unhappy and take it from there.
 
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Happiness comes from having genuine respect for oneself.

A child who is not taught genuine respect for others will never learn genuine respect for themself

Teaching children respect for others is therefore essential to the childs own happiness.

The consequences of failure on that front are severe:

A child who has not learnt respect for others will never know the happiness of genuine self respect ..

That childs parent will also never know the happiness of having the genuine respect of their child.

There is NO greater happiness for a parent than having the genuine respect of a happy child.

There is NO greater happiness for a child than having a parent they genuinely respect.

All other happinesses, either of parent or child, are lesser happinesses compared to those.

NO lesser happiness, either of parent or child, are not worth sacrificing for that one single greater happiness of both.
 
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Is it important that it is for their future benefit if they are already adults themselves?

Although ideally everyone would like that to be the case, if they are already forming independant lives of their own does that neccessary have to be the criteria?

If you have spent your whole life putting them first and sacraficing for them is it not time -now that they are adult and matured- to put yourself first as long as they are not harmed or distressed?
If we are talking about adult children then you have the right to put your needs first. I may have confused the issue by saying I have three adult children. I was just making the point that I was a mother and raised three kids. :)
 
I dont think a person should have to give up their whole identity and just turn into "parent" when they have a kid.

Aye, that would be a majorly dumbassed thing to do.

It is from seeing our own juggling of self/parent that our children will learn how to juggle parent/self when they become parents themselves.

There's a lot of 'fail yourself, fail the child' and 'fail the child, fail yourself' in parenting.
 
Is it important that it is for their future benefit if they are already adults themselves?

Although ideally everyone would like that to be the case, if they are already forming independant lives of their own does that neccessary have to be the criteria?

If you have spent your whole life putting them first and sacraficing for them is it not time -now that they are adult and matured- to put yourself first as long as they are not harmed or distressed?
(I'm married and we have a 20 and 24 year olds.) If I were single and my adult children didn't like the man I chose to be with, I would be very interested in their opinions and reasons. They know me and my situation well and are intuitive, and I know they want the best for me. So I'd listen and find out why they were against the relationship.
 
I think that any time someone close to you has reservations about a relationship you're in, it's wise to listen with an open and enquiring mind. Relatives and friends often see things that you don't, and they don't have to be particularly intuitive or insightful to do so. No one is better at fooling us than we are at fooling ourselves, and often we don't see it until many years down the road, if at all.
 
. Relatives and friends often see things that you don't, and they don't have to be particularly intuitive or insightful to do so.

Yes but equally they are not always objective if they have their own agenda.
It can often be that ANYONE who invades a child's environment will be viewed as a threat to the existing dynamic. When this happens they will choose not to see positives and compound negatives .
 
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Yes but equally they are not always objective if they have their own agenda.
It can often be that ANYONE who invades a child's environment will be viewed as a threat to the existing dynamic. When this happens they will choose not to see positives and compound negatives .
I agree with this. I grew up in a blended family and my stepsister still (after pretty much our whole lives being a "family") has never really warmed to my sister and me. I really think our living with her father while growing up is at the root of it and something she's never been able to get past. My stepbrothers, on the other hand, are real brothers to me. Kids can grow up in the same environment and perceive things/react quite differently. It all depends on how the children react to the stepparent. I, frankly, am glad my mother found someone to be happy with. It made my mom a happier person and less likely to take out general frustrations on us kids (she was/is a great mom, though, so this wasn't really a problem). It also helps that my stepdad turned out to be awesome. :)

That said, it really does depend on the situation. Some kids deal with parents' new partners better than others. I don't think the parent necessarily has to ditch a relationship simply because a child is unhappy with the fact that the parent has found a new partner. Kids need to be taught that everything in life is not always about them, that things will not always go the way they want them to, and that they can't have everything they want. I think those lessons aren't taught the way they used to be. I don't have kids, so I know my opinion probably won't matter, but I was once married to man who already had two kids, and it took his daughter years to come around. She never truly welcomed me into her life as best buds or anything, but she at least learned to tolerate me and discontinue her sometimes disruptive behavior. She confessed that she wanted her dad all to herself. I pretty much told her that that was not realistic, even with parents who stay together. Parents need time to themselves once in a while. My parents always had a date night once a week, and if they had adult parties, us kids were in bed before the craziness began. :)

I think it also helped that I did try to explain to her that in no uncertain terms would I ever try to be her mother; I just happened to be someone her dad really loved and wanted to be with. Children can be very egocentric, attention-craving beings who hate change, good or bad.
 
I agree with this. I grew up in a blended family and my stepsister still (after pretty much our whole lives being a "family") has never really warmed to my sister and me. I really think our living with her father while growing up is at the root of it and something she's never been able to get past. My stepbrothers, on the other hand, are real brothers to me. Kids can grow up in the same environment and perceive things/react quite differently. It all depends on how the children react to the stepparent. I, frankly, am glad my mother found someone to be happy with. It made my mom a happier person and less likely to take out general frustrations on us kids (she was/is a great mom, though, so this wasn't really a problem). It also helps that my stepdad turned out to be awesome. :)

That said, it really does depend on the situation. Some kids deal with parents' new partners better than others. I don't think the parent necessarily has to ditch a relationship simply because a child is unhappy with the fact that the parent has found a new partner. Kids need to be taught that everything in life is not always about them, that things will not always go the way they want them to, and that they can't have everything they want. I think those lessons aren't taught the way they used to be. I don't have kids, so I know my opinion probably won't matter, but I was once married to man who already had two kids, and it took his daughter years to come around. She never truly welcomed me into her life as best buds or anything, but she at least learned to tolerate me and discontinue her sometimes disruptive behavior. She confessed that she wanted her dad all to herself. I pretty much told her that that was not realistic, even with parents who stay together. Parents need time to themselves once in a while. My parents always had a date night once a week, and if they had adult parties, us kids were in bed before the craziness began. :)

I think it also helped that I did try to explain to her that in no uncertain terms would I ever try to be her mother; I just happened to be someone her dad really loved and wanted to be with. Children can be very egocentric, attention-craving beings who hate change, good or bad.

What a wise and insightful post PTree15 thank you.

I think that your opinion is as valid as anyone's despite the fact you don't have kids. It seems to me that you have had more experience of " jumbled " family dynamics than most! !!!

I think most kids do think that everything is about them because as parents we make the mistake of acting like everything is!

Which of course is fine because they feel special and loved by both parents

Problems arise when stability is shattered and a new partner appears who does not think everything is about them . Suddenly it appears to be about everyone but them.
 
Yes but equally they are not always objective if they have their own agenda.
It can often be that ANYONE who invades a child's environment will be viewed as a threat to the existing dynamic. When this happens they will choose not to see positives and compound negatives .

My point is that even people who have their own agenda often see what one is willfully blind to. In my case, a parent had an agenda, a sibling didn't. Both of them were right. Looking back, with the hindsight of several decades, I realize that even back then, I knew that. Of course, at the time, I had convinced myself otherwise. It's a sad truth about human nature. We don't listen, not even to ourselves. We hear only what we want to hear, even when we ask for advice.
 
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