Oh you are just like your mother!!!

[Ann Chovie]

It is my mothers birthday today she would have been 80 but sadly she died ten years ago.

What I know for certain is that if she was alive at 80 she would still have been whizzing around in her weird mis-match of clothes talking too much, laughing too much and trying anything and everything just for the hell of it.

In the small village I grew up she was the first woman at everything, first bell ringer, first woman to leave her baby with a childminder and the first woman to drive (ok folks this WAS the 1950s). She partied hard, smoked all the time and laid concrete patios any man would be proud of. She was strong both mentally and physically.

As a child I hated everything she was and shrunk back in embarrassment at everything she did and said. I hated her clothes , her voice , everything!

Even when I was a mother myself I did not get her. My kids loved her, she was loud and funny and strong and a circus train all on her own. I was still embarrassed.

Later in the depths of her illness we talked and talked and I saw for the first time who she was and why.

Today writing about her on Facebook I realised that actually she was great . She was the woman that taught me that women could lay patios and could stay smiling and strong while cancer wrecked their bodies. And I realised that all the best bits of me are the bits she taught me. She lays in my soul and is the spur that leads me on breaking my own rules and being my own particular brand of quirky and inappropriate.

And today I am thinking that if I am half the woman she was then I am happy. And when my own kids are hiding behind their hands at my craziness then I am passing on my own lessons about ploughing your own furrow and being your own person.

Maybe ...'being just like your mother' is not to be lamented but celebrated???

 

[Moll Flanders]

Today writing about her on Facebook I realised that actually she was great . She was the woman that taught me that women could lay patios and could stay smiling and strong while cancer wrecked their bodies. And I realised that all the best bits of me are the bits she taught me. She lays in my soul and is the spur that leads me on breaking my own rules and being my own particular brand of quirky and inappropriate.

She sounded like a great woman.xxx

 

[Poppy]

I am not at all like my mother (except maybe in looks, especially around the eyes), and I am so grateful. My mother was always slim and well-dressed, the house was always spotless, and we always went to church. But she is one of the most self-centered, self-righteous, and critical people I have ever known. She thinks the word "perfectionist" is a compliment, and holding everyone and everything to the highest possible standard is her entitlement. She plays bridge and reads and has her hair done. She wouldn't in her wildest dreams think of laying a patio - it's manual labor in the sun, for goodness sake! And that's what Mexicans are for!

Did she ever embarrass me? Oh goodness yes. Especially when she would yank my hair when she though no one was watching, but someone was. Or when I had to explain bruises on my upper arms in gym class. It was humiliating.

Through therapy I've come to accept that I do not love my mother. At all. She lives nearby, so we do interact on holidays, but don't seek her company or care to be around her anymore than completely necessary.

The best thing about having her as my mother is that it made me a much better mother to my own kids.

 

[Calliegirl]

Mine died almost thirty years ago so I have no idea how she would have been as she got older. I was barely out of the rebellious teen years when she died, so I didn't really know her as an adult.

 

[ledboots]

I just got back from visiting my mother up north (she lives near my brother). She is 85 and going downhill fast. So sad.

No one ever tells me I am just like my mother because I am not, but we grew up in such different times, I don't know how we could be too similar.

 

[Moll Flanders]

I don't talk to my parents but I don't think I take after my mother at all. The older I get the more I think I have turned out like my father. I haven't seen him for about 15 years but I always thought he was very impatient, quick tempered, sarcastic and rude, as well as being quite charming at times.

 

[KLS52]

It is my mothers birthday today she would have been 80 but sadly she died ten years ago.
Maybe ...'being just like your mother' is not to be lamented but celebrated???

Today is my mom's birthday too! She would have been 95 and she died in 1986. I'll write more about her later.

 

[hungryraccoon]

Sorry about your Mum. She sounds absolutely amazing! Very inspiring.

I am not much like mine...although I am an extremely anxious person & I can now see, as an adult, that I got that from my mum. You can't not grow up anxious when you are bought up by a very stressed person. She is a wonderful, kind person though - and that is the most important thing.

 

[Cerebellion]

Telling me I'm anything like my mother will generally get something thrown at you. I envy those that have parents that they can look up to with any kind of respect. My mom is mentally ill, but some days I feel like it was just an excuse for her to be a hateful *****. I have plenty of women in my life, though, that took on the mom role in my early adulthood. Being told I'm anything like them would be a-ok in my book.

 

[Andy_T]

Hmm ... actually I did NOT want to write about this, but as I read this thread, I feel the need to.
Sorry if it takes your thread astray, but that would likely be in the cause of gender equality.

I heard yesterday from my mother that my estranged father has passed away on the weekend.

"Estranged" means that we were a "normal" family as long as I can remember, but once my mother decided she was not going to put up with his antics any more 25 years ago (my sister and me were around 20 and 18 at that time, so she no longer had to fear about what a possible separation would do to us, which had been "keeping her quiet" and accepting everything he did before that), he left us in a rather un-gentleman-like way and tried to found a new family with a younger woman from Eastern Europe in order not only to find personal happiness, but also to spite us (that he explicitely explained to as his main reason) and reduce any kind of alimony he would have to pay to my mother and us.

I am happy that I had had a last possibility to approach him 3 years ago, more than 20 years after he had left us and cut all communications, to introduce him to his grandchildren and listen to his laments how everything he had done had been a huge mistake. At that time his health was already deteriorating due to cancer, some IMO misguided hormonal therapy and other ailments, and the last year he had - as I was informed - been bed-ridden, delirious and demented. So everybody agrees that it was "a good thing" for him to pass away peacefully.

I feel sad, but mainly sorry for him as his life certainly did not turn out as he would have wanted it to, especially after he decided to "take it into his own hands".

He was also an example to me during most of my growing up, how not to behave, and what not to do ... To explain, he never did anything specific to make our life bad, but he was simply one of the most immoral people I ever met, always only looking for his own advantage, and when confronted with some shady way to profit either personally or in his job, he always only asked himself "If I do that, is there a risk I could get caught?" instead of "is that the right or wrong thing to do?"

But I guess it is better to have that than no example at all.
I am convinced that the way I turned out (including going vegan) was heavily influenced by trying not to live as he had.

 

[Ann Chovie]

Hmm ... actually I did NOT want to write about this, but as I read this thread, I feel the need to.
Sorry if it takes your thread astray, but that would likely be in the cause of gender equality.

.

No gender inequality intended Andy.

I am more than happy for the topic to wander to any parent/child gender mix .

And thank you so much for sharing your experience with us .

I am so sorry