Sometimes I want to, sometimes I feel like I still love him, sometimes I'm scared of him and FOR him. I don't know what will happen to him if I leave him. I'd like to be the girl who changes him..
Hi Coralyn
You may change him . And equally you may not. But the likelihood is that you will go down with the ship trying.
Often in relationships we get caught up in thinking that everything wrong in the relationship would be right if he did this or didnt do that.
The truth is that often that we have entered into such relationships unwittingly, precisely because they are wrong.
We feed, and feed on the disfunction in a crazy co-dependancy spiral where we need to be abused or disrespected and this person can be guaranteed to provide that service.
We convince ourselves that we are disappointed and disillusioned and our lives are miserable through no fault of our own, when in reality all we need to do is to get our coats and leave. We stay because our self esteem is so low that secretly we believe this is all we deserve.
We attempt to rescue them , solve them, rebuild them into normal acceptable human beings completely disregarding the fact that if they ever become this they will disregard the exhausted emotional wrecks that we have become in the process. We will not have a role . They were with us not because we were strong, confident partners but because we were weak and our validation is through them and not ourselves.
I know this because..
I met a man who was an alcoholic. I dearly wanted to be the woman that changed him. I completely disregarded the fact that his wife and long term partner before had tried and failed. The difference was that their self-respect had made them get their coats and leave very quickly while I hung around believing that I was the one that would finally do it.
I thought he was with me because I was funny and kind. He was with me because I listened and took pity on him. But mostly because I fetched bottles of whisky from the shop at seven in the morning.
I thought I was with him because he was funny and kind and would be a great bloke if..he did this and didnt do that. I was with him because I felt needed and he complimented me and built me up when he wanted me to fetch bottles of whisky from the shopa at seven in the morning.
I cleaned up broken glass, vomit and poo disappointed and disillusioned with my life when all I had to do was get my coat and leave.
I stayed because I didnt know how he would manage if I left. He would have easily found a replacement we are ten a penny.
Finally, one day in Argos as he stood swilling whisky from behind a brown paper bag, insulting both me and the shop assistant . I saw myself as the assistant was seeing me and I did finally decide to get my coat and leave.
Later after being bombarded by emotive phone calls he descended so far into alchol abuse that he would never return. He blamed me over and over for this. If I had not left him he would of changed he said. Look what you did to me. He died and for months, I thought it was my fault because I should have been the one to change him and I failed.
Pity I did not put the same effort and emotion into changing myself instead of him. Changing him was his job after all.
