How to deal with this?

Vanille

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So my mom has gotten a bit more understanding, asks me if I still have enough soy milk and "can you have this bread too?" before buying it but as for meat substitutes... There's a brand where all vegan stuff has different colour packaging, I told her it's okay to buy those, but nothing else. I don't wanna make it too difficult for her so if I want other stuff, I'll buy it myself, "only the blue packaging" shouldn't be too hard to remember right... Now she still got me a wrong one and I feel so horrible for telling her I can't eat it, I feel hella ungrateful... But then again, if I don't correct her, she'll continue to buy me wrong products which is a waste of money and frustrating for everyone... "But it's a veggie burger so there's only veggies in it" "ehh no, it says clearly there's egg in it, and not even biological, thank you honestly but you'll have to eat it yourself" "omg then just get your own stuff from now on" "well, I already said I would but you insisted on still buying stuff for me, fine, but don't expect me to eat it if it ain't vegan, so either read the ingredients or just let me buy my own stuff"

I feel like a terrible person but if I don't correct her or make exceptions, I'll never be where I wanna be... I have been eating strictly vegan for a few weeks now, I don't wanna ruin it. Also, for my own health, I'm literally allergic to eggs and milk! Just a bit tho but I feel much healthier now I cut these out and mentally too, I'm very emotional like I literally taste the suffering. Just like back in the day when I was anorexic, I could taste the fat and sugars, really strange lol (I still do but no longer care)

How to correct people when they try to help you out without seeming like an entitled ***?
 

Lou

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My first thoughts were that you were being too fussy. You've only been "strictly vegan for a few weeks", it takes time for people to adjust or whatever.
but then I got to the part where you said, "I'm literally allergic to eggs and milk!" I'm going to assume that this isn't some brand new revelation. Your mom is not your roommate - she is your mom. Granted you are an adult, but if she is going to buy YOU food You can't eat then that is on her.
 
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Vanille

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My first thoughts were that you were being too fussy. You've only been "strictly vegan for a few weeks", it takes time for people to adjust or whatever.
but then I got to the part where you said, "I'm literally allergic to eggs and milk!" I'm going to assume that this isn't some brand new revelation. Your mom is not your roommate - she is your mom. Granted you are an adult, but if she is going to buy YOU food You can't eat then that is on her.
Not really... If I make a decision that I fully stand behind, I tend to make drastic changes. And not even so drastic as I was vegetarian already and slowly cut out products the weeks prior strict veganism. She knows this, she knows about my health issues too (tho never believed it, but it's no coincidence my cramps after ever tiny meal stopped now and my skin looks amazing) I also know she most likely thought all veggie burgers are vegan but nope... That's why I told her to only get that one brand and only the blue ones. If she doesn't want to listen, she shouldn't get mad either if I refuse to eat it. I still feel rude but yeah I'm an adult, I make my own money, let me live (I hate that I still live here to begin with. Past few days were fine but now I found my brother crying... My dad is a narcissist and as I was at work, he had to find another victim)
 
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TofuRobot

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Throw in a lot - a whole lot - of "I love yous" --- "I love you so much for trying!! It means everything to me! I can totally understand why it appears like it would be vegan - it's hard having to read the labels all the time (which is why I often prefer to stay in the produce aisle!)" Or something along those lines. If it's anyone other than your mom, your response can vary according to the person, which can revolve around a simple "No but thank you so much for offering,' that kind of thing. Remember you don't have to always explain yourself to people you don't know very well, just as there is no law saying you must answer the door when someone knocks, or answer the phone when it rings. It's taken me years to get that. If I could get back all the time I spent explaining myself to people where it totally wasn't necessary... I'm not sure how to finish that, but you know what I mean.

But really, that's so cool you have your mom's support! I think that a lot of this kind of communication is how you say it as much as it is what you say. Sometimes you have to go a little overboard with the graciousness when delivering something that has the potential to be received in a negative way (even though it really shouldn't).

EDIT: I'm sorry - I just read the bit about your dad and your brother... I don't have any tips for that, only a virtual hug :(
 

Forest Nymph

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They want you to feel terrible and compromise your values to prove you find fitting in with a human social group more important. If you don't have time to study Jung's personality theory and Extroverted Feeling, suffice to say they don't trust you unless you prove group think.

I avoid my mother but go to a very liberal university where group projects are just as important as content to the administration. It's a nightmare. You can be called racist or intolerant of people's individual life choices if you argue for veganism even from a science standpoint. Like parents they want you to be an obedient quiet vegan grateful they acknowledged your food choice like a lady with a Muslim head cover. They regard it as religion. Give thanks your head scarf is approved but how dare you suggest it's science that you choose not to eat animals.

I'm thinking of writing a book, creating a film, doing a series of paintings for vegan activism, because I doubt the effectiveness of family and friend activism and even now academic activism.

Try to find a way to buy your own food. Good luck.
 
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Emma JC

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If you mom kept the receipt then there isn't a reason that you couldn't take it back and exchange it for the product that you prefer?

Could you offer to do the grocery shopping for the family so that everyone is happy and your mom would have less to do?

Emma JC
 
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Vanille

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Throw in a lot - a whole lot - of "I love yous" --- "I love you so much for trying!! It means everything to me! I can totally understand why it appears like it would be vegan - it's hard having to read the labels all the time (which is why I often prefer to stay in the produce aisle!)" Or something along those lines. If it's anyone other than your mom, your response can vary according to the person, which can revolve around a simple "No but thank you so much for offering,' that kind of thing. Remember you don't have to always explain yourself to people you don't know very well, just as there is no law saying you must answer the door when someone knocks, or answer the phone when it rings. It's taken me years to get that. If I could get back all the time I spent explaining myself to people where it totally wasn't necessary... I'm not sure how to finish that, but you know what I mean.

But really, that's so cool you have your mom's support! I think that a lot of this kind of communication is how you say it as much as it is what you say. Sometimes you have to go a little overboard with the graciousness when delivering something that has the potential to be received in a negative way (even though it really shouldn't).

EDIT: I'm sorry - I just read the bit about your dad and your brother... I don't have any tips for that, only a virtual hug :(
Thank you <3

I already thanked her and mentioned feeling bad about it, knowing she's just trying to help... I just bought a few things for myself and prepared them as well (no one else is at home now anyways) now I offered to buy all my substitutes myself and let her buy my soy milk and yoghurt (instead of the other way around) she then told me I should make a list with things she can still buy, so she won't get the wrong products anymore, I think that's hella sweet! Now as for the 2 packages she bought already... They sometimes eat vegetarian, more for environmental reasons so they can keep them for that. You can keep it for ages once frozen.

Yeah I also explained that I'm happy she starts to accept this but I have to correct her, cause otherwise she'll continue to buy me stuff I don't wanna eat, and now THAT is a waste of money and effort. At first she was a little ****** but then agreed I was right.
 
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Vanille

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If you mom kept the receipt then there isn't a reason that you couldn't take it back and exchange it for the product that you prefer?

Could you offer to do the grocery shopping for the family so that everyone is happy and your mom would have less to do?

Emma JC
I never heard of people exchanging products at grocery stores... Also I doubt she kept the receipt at all (I'll ask but doubt it)

I can't afford groceries for 4 people, especially as they eat a lot... I can afford my own living, I could afford having people visit from time to time (once moved out) but not all the food and drinks for 4 people and I'm still shocked at how we aren't broke yet... I'd be fine buying my own stuff (except veggies, herbs and pasta, we always have those) that's cheaper for my parents and I'll be able to eat whatever I want. I offered this many times now and she doesn't agree but then I have the right to correct her if she buys me non-vegan stuff as well.
 

Emma JC

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I never heard of people exchanging products at grocery stores... Also I doubt she kept the receipt at all (I'll ask but doubt it)

I can't afford groceries for 4 people, especially as they eat a lot... I can afford my own living, I could afford having people visit from time to time (once moved out) but not all the food and drinks for 4 people and I'm still shocked at how we aren't broke yet... I'd be fine buying my own stuff (except veggies, herbs and pasta, we always have those) that's cheaper for my parents and I'll be able to eat whatever I want. I offered this many times now and she doesn't agree but then I have the right to correct her if she buys me non-vegan stuff as well.

I didn't mean to suggest that you pay for the groceries, just that you do the shopping for them. It may even help your family if a budget and a list were prepared in advance.

The alternative, which you already suggested, is providing her with a list of the items that you prefer. This is common sense and I use a list for my small family every week. As I use up an item, it goes on the list and that helps to keep the temptation to throw things in that we don't really need. If an item, that we use but don't currently need, is on sale then I buy an extra one or two.

I take back items occasionally so it can be done and have seen lots of people doing the same.

Emma JC
 
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Vanille

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I didn't mean to suggest that you pay for the groceries, just that you do the shopping for them. It may even help your family if a budget and a list were prepared in advance.

The alternative, which you already suggested, is providing her with a list of the items that you prefer. This is common sense and I use a list for my small family every week. As I use up an item, it goes on the list and that helps to keep the temptation to throw things in that we don't really need. If an item, that we use but don't currently need, is on sale then I buy an extra one or two.

I take back items occasionally so it can be done and have seen lots of people doing the same.

Emma JC
Well I can't do the shopping either as my only way of transportation is my bike... My own stuff just fits in my basket but that's it...

Welp, Idk where you live but I legit never heard of returning groceries... I doubt that's a thing here... Also food has expire dates, she froze it tho I gotta make sure it's still usuable.
 

Nekodaiden

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So my mom has gotten a bit more understanding, asks me if I still have enough soy milk and "can you have this bread too?" before buying it but as for meat substitutes... There's a brand where all vegan stuff has different colour packaging, I told her it's okay to buy those, but nothing else. I don't wanna make it too difficult for her so if I want other stuff, I'll buy it myself, "only the blue packaging" shouldn't be too hard to remember right... Now she still got me a wrong one and I feel so horrible for telling her I can't eat it, I feel hella ungrateful... But then again, if I don't correct her, she'll continue to buy me wrong products which is a waste of money and frustrating for everyone... "But it's a veggie burger so there's only veggies in it" "ehh no, it says clearly there's egg in it, and not even biological, thank you honestly but you'll have to eat it yourself" "omg then just get your own stuff from now on" "well, I already said I would but you insisted on still buying stuff for me, fine, but don't expect me to eat it if it ain't vegan, so either read the ingredients or just let me buy my own stuff"

I feel like a terrible person but if I don't correct her or make exceptions, I'll never be where I wanna be... I have been eating strictly vegan for a few weeks now, I don't wanna ruin it. Also, for my own health, I'm literally allergic to eggs and milk! Just a bit tho but I feel much healthier now I cut these out and mentally too, I'm very emotional like I literally taste the suffering. Just like back in the day when I was anorexic, I could taste the fat and sugars, really strange lol (I still do but no longer care)

How to correct people when they try to help you out without seeming like an entitled ***?

Maybe being a little pro-active in getting your own groceries (can you do this? I am assuming no disability here) would help. Learning to make your own patties/rolls to put into bread may seem time consuming but it will save you money/hassle and ingredient reading. I do this myself and freeze for quick meals.
 
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