Guilty Confession

[Jamama]

My husband has been vegan for 16 years. He’s 32, and the last few years he has added seafood back to his diet so I guess he’s some kind of pescatarian. I’ve adapted to eating no chicken or beef without a problem but still enjoy cheese and eggs, which he doesn’t mind at all.
Here’s my issue- and it’s a sensitive one and I’m sorry but I am having a hard time escaping these feelings: my husband is way too thin. Before we were married, I told myself it was wrong to let that sort of thing bother me. He is a wonderful man and beauty is more than skin deep. He has a very handsome face and great hair, but seriously he Is so thin. His ribs stick way out when he lays down. His chest and back muscles are nonexistent. I feel like I can almost wrap one of my hands around his upper arm. His legs look like toothpicks and his briefs- which should be tight- sag on his little non existent bottom. And I am just struggling hardcore to find myself attracted to him. Which is a big problem.
we didn’t have sex before we were married and I just didn’t allow myself to think that this was going to become such an issue. But it has. I’ve talked with him about working out together and he’s not interested. He’s a painter who works hard all day and wants to rest when he gets home. He’s 6’2 and weighs 140 lbs. He does have muscle when he flexes it’s just very lean.
Please help me. Am I wrong to feel this way? How can I overcome it? Should I tell him how I feel? I can only imagine it would hurt his feelings so terribly

 

[Lou]

Who does the cooking? If it is you, you should add more high calorie high fat dishes to the weekly meal plan. You may need to start exercising or exercise portion control so you don't get fat too.

Before I was vegan I loved fried seafood. Since he is already eating seafood - now just fry it. I think Farm-raised Catfish From the SE USA is inexpensive and does not have as many environmental drawbacks as other kinds of fish. Breaded and fried in a pan is simple and fast. It goes great with rice and a steamed veggie.

And here are some other recipes you should try.

21 Worry-free High Calorie Vegan Recipes - Gloriously Vegan - Plant Based Recipes & Nutrition For Your Mind, Body & Soul

the No Meat Athlete has a blog entry on gaining weight. But a lot of his solutions are based on smoothies. If you don't have smoothies regularly you will probably have to have a heart to heart discussion why YOU think it is important to drink 2 smoothies a day.

Gain Weight as a Vegan | No Meat Athlete

Another good source of info is

13 Tips on How to Gain Weight as a Vegan (100% Effective)

 

[Jamama]

Thank you so much for all the great info. I don’t think adding more calories is gonna do much if he doesn’t want to work to build his muscle mass though. I do all of his cooking- breakfast and lunch are always the same and this is all he wants: oatmeal with peanut butter, dates, and granola with almond milk and oj for breakfast.
a spinach wrap with beans, avo, hummus, and a variety of veggies for lunch, served with some kind of granola bar and a piece of fruit.
dinner is some kind of seafood basically 5 nights a night, and I own fry a LOT. Served with rice, quinoa, or noodles, with some kind of veggie. Sometimes we have tofu instead of fish.
He is not a fan of smoothies.
I guess I just have NO idea how to bring this up without hurting his feelings terribly. I feel like it’s the equivalent of husband making comments about his wife’s weight if she is over. He’s under. But he’s healthy and it doesn’t bother him. Just me. .

 

[Jamama]

*pan fry

 

[David3]

Thank you so much for all the great info. I don’t think adding more calories is gonna do much if he doesn’t want to work to build his muscle mass though. I do all of his cooking- breakfast and lunch are always the same and this is all he wants: oatmeal with peanut butter, dates, and granola with almond milk and oj for breakfast.
a spinach wrap with beans, avo, hummus, and a variety of veggies for lunch, served with some kind of granola bar and a piece of fruit.
dinner is some kind of seafood basically 5 nights a night, and I own fry a LOT. Served with rice, quinoa, or noodles, with some kind of veggie. Sometimes we have tofu instead of fish.
He is not a fan of smoothies.
I guess I just have NO idea how to bring this up without hurting his feelings terribly. I feel like it’s the equivalent of husband making comments about his wife’s weight if she is over. He’s under. But he’s healthy and it doesn’t bother him. Just me. .

Just tell him honestly. Men are a lot less sensitive about their weight than women are. Fatten him up with cookies and things. If he seems unhealthily skinny, tell him so and have him see his doctor.

 

[KLS52]

If I read your initial post correctly, I feel like the issue is more that you do not find him attractive/appealing. I’m not sure what to offer in the way of advice about that. I don’t think expecting him to change his appearance is fair. It’s unfortunate I suppose and something that should have been addressed before marriage. Sorry you are finding yourself with this dilemma.

 

[silva]

My husband has been vegan for 16 years. He’s 32, and the last few years he has added seafood back to his diet so I guess he’s some kind of pescatarian. I’ve adapted to eating no chicken or beef without a problem but still enjoy cheese and eggs, which he doesn’t mind at all.
Here’s my issue- and it’s a sensitive one and I’m sorry but I am having a hard time escaping these feelings: my husband is way too thin. Before we were married, I told myself it was wrong to let that sort of thing bother me. He is a wonderful man and beauty is more than skin deep. He has a very handsome face and great hair, but seriously he Is so thin. His ribs stick way out when he lays down. His chest and back muscles are nonexistent. I feel like I can almost wrap one of my hands around his upper arm. His legs look like toothpicks and his briefs- which should be tight- sag on his little non existent bottom. And I am just struggling hardcore to find myself attracted to him. Which is a big problem.
we didn’t have sex before we were married and I just didn’t allow myself to think that this was going to become such an issue. But it has. I’ve talked with him about working out together and he’s not interested. He’s a painter who works hard all day and wants to rest when he gets home. He’s 6’2 and weighs 140 lbs. He does have muscle when he flexes it’s just very lean.
Please help me. Am I wrong to feel this way? How can I overcome it? Should I tell him how I feel? I can only imagine it would hurt his feelings so terribly

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't feel that it's all about his physique. Is the attraction there until you get poked by a rib, and then it becomes a turn off?
How long have you two been married?
I have to admit, I let the most wonderful man go all because I just couldn't get turned on with him. It was awful because we'd been great friends, he truly checked off every single catagory I could possibly want- but that. I kinda feel stupid and shallow about that, but it really is huge. I mean if both can be ok without a sex life that would be different, but just one--no way

You do need to confront this with him somehow, or at least seek counseling. It's not going to go away on it's own, and not fair to him.

 

[Nekodaiden]

Before you married he was not a muscle bound hunk, now that you're married he's still not a muscle bound hunk. It isn't fair to make this an issue now, at least with him, because the issue is and always has been your issue, not his.

That said, it may be possible to get him to gain some weight if he really is as thin as you describe. Adding more fatty vegan foods such as nut butters, fatty seeds etc can help, provided cumulative calorie load exceeds his base metabolism+energy expenditure. That isn't always going to work with some people though. I know and have known people that are nowhere near vegan, eat all kinds of fatty foods and are still skinny. That isn't the norm for most, but it can be true for some.

 

[Jamama]

Well I appreciate the feedback guys. This is definitely my problem, not his. I was aware that he was thin before we got married of course but we waited for marriage to have sex and I just didn’t fully understand that I would wrestle this much with struggling to feel attracted. It’s just his body- I love him as a person and I think his face is quite handsome. But when I lay my head on his shoulder I just feel like I’m hugging a 10 year old girl, and it’s awful. I could not have known how that would feel before we were married- we were very conservative physically. But it doesn’t seem fair to bring this up to him or force him to change, I agree with whoever said that. It’s not his fault. I will have to try to change the way I think about this and if it gets worse or does not improve then I’ll have to cross that bridge. I feel so horrible. Please know that I love my husband very much. This is a shameful thing to struggle with and I just didn’t know if it was normal for men who have been vegan this long to be this thin. He works very hard during the day and I’m sure he burns a lot of calories. I’ll try adding more nut butters and sweets.

 

[David3]

Well I appreciate the feedback guys. This is definitely my problem, not his. I was aware that he was thin before we got married of course but we waited for marriage to have sex and I just didn’t fully understand that I would wrestle this much with struggling to feel attracted. It’s just his body- I love him as a person and I think his face is quite handsome. But when I lay my head on his shoulder I just feel like I’m hugging a 10 year old girl, and it’s awful. I could not have known how that would feel before we were married- we were very conservative physically. But it doesn’t seem fair to bring this up to him or force him to change, I agree with whoever said that. It’s not his fault. I will have to try to change the way I think about this and if it gets worse or does not improve then I’ll have to cross that bridge. I feel so horrible. Please know that I love my husband very much. This is a shameful thing to struggle with and I just didn’t know if it was normal for men who have been vegan this long to be this thin. He works very hard during the day and I’m sure he burns a lot of calories. I’ll try adding more nut butters and sweets.

Actually long-time vegan men come in all shapes and sizes, though we are statistically less likely to be obese.
.

 

[silva]

I understand eveyones different, but even though I have my "preferences" in looks and body types when thinking about it, in reality it's way more than that. Desire isn't about comfort, or preconcieved ideas of attraction, it comes as surprise, and grabs you like you can't let go
I've know I desired someone before I knew if I even liked them. I can't even think of getting married without desire! And desire isn't anything you can really pin down. It just is
Maybe you need to look beyond his physique? Try doing something new

 

[Nekodaiden]

I understand eveyones different, but even though I have my "preferences" in looks and body types when thinking about it, in reality it's way more than that. Desire isn't about comfort, or preconcieved ideas of attraction, it comes as surprise, and grabs you like you can't let go
I've know I desired someone before I knew if I even liked them. I can't even think of getting married without desire! And desire isn't anything you can really pin down. It just is
Maybe you need to look beyond his physique? Try doing something new

I can agree with your statements on desire. It's irrational. I worked with a woman once who was horrible to me, but was also constantly testing me by being a grand high *****, while periodically displaying moments of emotional openness and kindness. Even after smelling her retched breath on one occasion when she decided to chew me out, I desired her. It was the most irrational desire I think I've ever had. We had almost nothing in common.

I am so glad I left that job.

 

[shyvas]

This thread makes me think of the movie/film The War of The Roses.

Warning- This video may offend.

 

[TofuRobot]

The real question is, is he healthy? Or does he have any weight-related health issues? I get the part of about attractiveness - it's a mystery what makes us tick. And, I disagree that men aren't affected by comments about their weight. In our society, men just have more practice is making it seem like they don't care. They do. I would caution bringing it up b/c it may only make it worse, if, in fact he has an eating disorder. What you can do, is show him love. It's loving to want him to be as healthy. If I were you, I would focus on that, not on his outward appearance. xo

 

[KLS52]

Well I appreciate the feedback guys. This is definitely my problem, not his. I was aware that he was thin before we got married of course but we waited for marriage to have sex and I just didn’t fully understand that I would wrestle this much with struggling to feel attracted. It’s just his body- I love him as a person and I think his face is quite handsome. But when I lay my head on his shoulder I just feel like I’m hugging a 10 year old girl, and it’s awful. I could not have known how that would feel before we were married- we were very conservative physically. But it doesn’t seem fair to bring this up to him or force him to change, I agree with whoever said that. It’s not his fault. I will have to try to change the way I think about this and if it gets worse or does not improve then I’ll have to cross that bridge. I feel so horrible. Please know that I love my husband very much. This is a shameful thing to struggle with and I just didn’t know if it was normal for men who have been vegan this long to be this thin. He works very hard during the day and I’m sure he burns a lot of calories. I’ll try adding more nut butters and sweets.

My comment was not intended to make you feel bad/shame/guilt. I’m just not sure what can be done at this point other than to be honest with him. If you continue to suppress your feelings, eventually it’s going to cause more problems.

 

[Jamie in Chile]

I think telling the truth is usually the best thing in most cases. Good luck.

 

[Ahimsa]

My husband has been vegan for 16 years. He’s 32, and the last few years he has added seafood back to his diet so I guess he’s some kind of pescatarian. I’ve adapted to eating no chicken or beef without a problem but still enjoy cheese and eggs, which he doesn’t mind at all.
Here’s my issue- and it’s a sensitive one and I’m sorry but I am having a hard time escaping these feelings: my husband is way too thin. Before we were married, I told myself it was wrong to let that sort of thing bother me. He is a wonderful man and beauty is more than skin deep. He has a very handsome face and great hair, but seriously he Is so thin. His ribs stick way out when he lays down. His chest and back muscles are nonexistent. I feel like I can almost wrap one of my hands around his upper arm. His legs look like toothpicks and his briefs- which should be tight- sag on his little non existent bottom. And I am just struggling hardcore to find myself attracted to him. Which is a big problem.
we didn’t have sex before we were married and I just didn’t allow myself to think that this was going to become such an issue. But it has. I’ve talked with him about working out together and he’s not interested. He’s a painter who works hard all day and wants to rest when he gets home. He’s 6’2 and weighs 140 lbs. He does have muscle when he flexes it’s just very lean.
Please help me. Am I wrong to feel this way? How can I overcome it? Should I tell him how I feel? I can only imagine it would hurt his feelings so terribly

Having been a therapist Jamama I certainly wouldn't recommend that you tell him how you "feel". However, you can express your concerns about his lack of weight. In my opinion this has little to do with his diet and a lot to do with his metabolism and his genes. Has he spoken to a doctor about being underweight? I'm sure that there may be ways in which to improve his physique but you need to go about it the right way, and that may be more psychological than physiological. Nevertheless, the fact that you're not attracted to his body may not be something he is able to change, in which case you need to look at your sex lives in a somewhat different way. For example, do what you can to achieve pleasure in more imaginative ways than that which just involves the physical appearance of your partner's body.