Controlling your partner?

Mikkel

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I'm reading a bit on a Norwgian board for fun. A lot of quite special topics there, and I'm "learing" a lot of really good thing (very ironic.... ). I have example learned that if you invite to dinner it's very polite to make food that not all the guest can eat, but not polite if you make food all can eat (of cause about vegetarian. It's not polite for veg*ans to serve no-meat dishes to meat eaters when they invite to dinner in their own homes. :p ). All men cheats, it's OK to date a guy that beat up his former girlfriend etc etc.

But. I think there some opinions on relationships I think sometimes are a bit alarming, and sometimes a bit strange. But I'm really not the right person to judge anything in relationships, since I don't get them to work.

I seems like some have a very strong urge to controll their partner a lot. It's everything from who they hang out with, who they can have as a friend, what to wear, how they going to cut their hair, what kind of interests/hobbies they can have, how much time they can use on their hobbies, when to get to bed, when to get out of bed etc etc etc. And of cause the discussion about having full access to FB account, phone and mail account and can check and read what they want, when they want.

Of cause it's different from when you have children or not. Since children take time. But how much do you think it's ok to controll your partner? And where's the limit for you when it gets obsessed and alarming, and where it's normal?

For me the thought of having opinion about my partners friends and such things are very, very strange and nothing I had thought of trying to get in the middle of. And I get really big problems when other people try to have strong opinions if I can talk with a friend on the phone or not, meet them in RL and such things. But am I the strange one? It seems so normal for a lot of people to be able to tell their partner "you aren't allowed to"...
 
I honestly believe that one of the main ingredients in a good relationship is mutual respect. When you respect someone you don't use words like "allow" or "not allow". If you and your partner have issues, you discuss them (sometimes over and over!) but you are not allowed (!) to control another adult.
 
For me the thought of having opinion about my partners friends and such things are very, very strange and nothing I had thought of trying to get in the middle of. And I get really big problems when other people try to have strong opinions if I can talk with a friend on the phone or not, meet them in RL and such things. But am I the strange one? It seems so normal for a lot of people to be able to tell their partner "you aren't allowed to"...

You're the one with a healthy attitude.
 
For me the thought of having opinion about my partners friends and such things are very, very strange and nothing I had thought of trying to get in the middle of. And I get really big problems when other people try to have strong opinions if I can talk with a friend on the phone or not, meet them in RL and such things. But am I the strange one? It seems so normal for a lot of people to be able to tell their partner "you aren't allowed to"...

Having opinions is fine, you can't like all your partners friends. Trying to force your opinions on your partner is another thing though, like you say.
 
I think a relationship where one is trying to control the other is doomed. Looking at your partner's phone or email is invasive! Everyone deserves privacy and respect, and if they don't get it, they will eventually escape the relationship somehow. They'll either leave or escape life through drinking, overeating, etc.
 
These controlling partners ...

Why would anyone partner with a controller unless they like to be controlled?

People tend to get into the types of relationships with which they are familiar, because familiarity is comfortable. That's why children who grow up in abusive households often grow up to be in abusive relationships. It's difficult to have healthy relationships when one's parents' relationship wasn't healthy.

It's pretty basic human psychology.
 
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Good to see I'm not the only one that reacts on this. But the worst part, it seems so normal when they write about it.

I guess things looks a bit worse on the Internett than in RL, but since my last girlfriend was of the same type, I know they are out there...
 
There is no absolute right way to have a relationship. What works in some relationships doesn't work in others. In my extremely limited relationship experience (At age 35 I've been in a total of two) I've seen both extremes.

My girlfriend is very independent, reasonable, ridiculously smart, and makes good financial decisions. I like to believe I do the same. Controlling each other isn't necessary. Even with a kid, she lives her life and I live mine, and we manage to make it work with minimal conflict and have a good relationship which we share as part of our individual lives, if that makes sense.

My ex wife, on the other hand, was dependent, naive, and irrational. She had a good heart, but not controlling her, or at least taking a more stereotypical dominant role, was a mistake that lead to disaster. She simply needed someone to tell her what to do because she didn't like making decisions, and when forced to do so made poor ones. I didn't figure that out until it was too late.

I think trust and/or jealousy is a whole separate issue, and that's what email/Facebook snooping is about.
 
People tend to get into the types of relationships with which they are familiar, because familiarity is comfortable. That's why children who grow up in abusive households often grow up to be in abusive relationships. It's difficult to have healthy relationships when one's parents' relationship wasn't healthy.

It's pretty basic human psychology.

Plus, some people are excellent at hiding certain aspects of their personality until their partner is invested in the relationship, making it more difficult for the partner to leave, or even to see the warning signs at all.
 
Plus, some people are excellent at hiding certain aspects of their personality until their partner is invested in the relationship, making it more difficult for the partner to leave, or even to see the warning signs at all.

:sadnod: Furthermore control freaks are usually manipulative.
 
It's not at all OK to control your partner. Partners make decisions together - to greater or lesser degrees depending on the couple (and what it is!). I.e. some couples make almost all decisions together, others are more independent.

All relationships are different, but any relationship where you tell a partner what they're "allowed" or "not allowed" to do is, IMO, unhealthy. Even if one partner tends to make the decisions in a relationship, that's OK, but the other partner should be listened to if they do want to input into a decision and shouldn't feel that they don't have a choice. Happily agreeing to do what somebody else prefers isn't the same as being told what to do.
 
It's not normal, but it is common. Control freaks are afraid. People who put up with a control-freak partner for too long are afraid in a different way - afraid of being single again, afraid of making someone mad. It's not healthy. Sometimes people don't learn that until after going through it. Some people never learn it.

I think that the stronger your intuition is, the easier it is to see warning signs.
 
It's not normal, but it is common. Control freaks are afraid. People who put up with a control-freak partner for too long are afraid in a different way - afraid of being single again, afraid of making someone mad. It's not healthy. Sometimes people don't learn that until after going through it. Some people never learn it.

I think that the stronger your intuition is, the easier it is to see warning signs.

I have also noticed that within certain couples or groups of people someone always wants to be a control freak.
 
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I have also noticed that within certain couples or groups of people someone always wants to be a control freak.
Yeah I agree. Most won't admit to it. Maybe a few will be aware of it and make an effort to stop themselves. I was raised by a control freak parent, so I notice quickly if someone has a controlling tendency. I tend to notice little signs that other people brush off as being "nothing" or "no big deal." Then, several months later, they see what I saw right away. It wasn't always that way, though. For a while I gravitated towards controlling friends just because of how "normal" it seemed to me. It took a while to realize what was going on and to break out of the pattern.

I love the Walter White and Jesse Pinkman dynamic on Breaking Bad. It's an extreme example, but it clearly illustrates how someone might try to fix their own issues by controlling another person.
 
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Say one partner lost control of themselves (nervous breakdown, mid-life crisis, or something ..) and the other did nothing to take/restore control of/for them.

Would that not doom a relationship also?

The person who had the crisis can't get healthy by someone taking control of them, quite the contrary. If someone has a complete breakdown of some kind, someone may have to step in to make sure that the bills are paid, groceries are bought, etc., for the duration of the crisis, but the only way someone gets healthy is by exerting control over their own lives and making their own decisions to the fullest extent possible (i.e., anything that doesn't threaten health and/or safety).